reluctance
we are having a hard time writing, because we feel so ashamed.
apparently, the seekers didn’t go back to their land. which is weird, because we weren’t feeling the seekers energy. for some reason it was masked.
and, apparently, the person they are being with is not as safe (“safe” being relative) as we thought. he hurt the kid that was put in the situation. more than the regular hurt. he hurt them and kept hurting them. like usual, we were forced to watch, yet blocked from the front. we couldn’t do anything.
i don’t blame him. the seekers showed no sign of not wanting it to happen. they probably even encouraged it.
though, as i wrote that, some inside were screaming that the kid(s) did fight.
i don’t know. we are so very confused.
and we had a really bad dream-memory last night. i think it was sparked by the new woman at group talking about possible abuse by her mother. we don’t remember the dream really clearly, but it was about our mom hurting us. physically, sexually, emotionally. tying us up, raping us, saying horrible things to us. the clearest memory that was in the dream is of us tied down on the bed with her hovering over us. she had the most hateful look in her eyes. as she did stuff to us, she tried to make it as painful as she could.
the past few days we felt so good. right now we feel like we need to die. we’re not going to act on it tonight. even though we don’t feel it, there is a voice in our head that says this will pass. it’s nice that we’ve been able to add that voice…i hope that eventually it will drown out the destructive voices that are often so much louder and more insistent.
i am so sorry. damn, i am sorry. i feel so helpless.
i am glad that you’re able to add that voice too. i know how it feels to have the intellectual knowledge that stuff usually gets better, but have it not mean a fucking thing to my feelings *now*.
please let us know if there’s ever anything we can do. but i know that helpless feeling when it’s your own system in the situation, too. i understand that there probably isn’t anything either of us can do.
Comment by myriad — October 20, 2007 @ 2:28 am
ps. you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. this can’t be our fault when it happens to both of us. it doesn’t sound like it was something you asked for. i know there’s degrees of asking but god dammit, there is such a thing as the other person involved being responsible, too. or i mean, i wish there was. there should be.
Comment by myriad — October 20, 2007 @ 2:32 am
I’m so sorry I hear you both are struggling with his. Keep getting that voice stronger. Thinking of yous.
Comment by wandering sail — October 20, 2007 @ 2:52 am