indigos journal

when we goed to chorus tonight, deb gived us a easter basket.  it be way cool! it have an eeyore stuffy and lots of candy.  an the basket is way pretty.

an we still eatin pretty colorful easter eggs that we colored with cassidy.  yummy!

we are still having quite a bit of pain.  especially our back and hip.  frankly, we’re getting sick of it.  and i am leary of taking ibuprofen too much…our stomach is bad enough as it is.  we really need to be reading more about fibro…we haven’t done much reading.  or maybe join some kind of community…i don’t know.  if i had more energy, lol, i’m sure i’d have done much more reading by now.  i just know this pain shit is so old.

we are feeling confused.  some people are getting what they want, or at least what they think they want.  mostly lately that has been fine…but tonight we are struggling.  maybe just the proximity of holidays…maybe because things were much more intense this time.

i know that i am being vague…but it is at the behest of some inside.  and i try to honor reasonable requests, especially when the request is about information that involves other insiders.

i don’t know what else to say…just that we have been really overwhelmed and anxious.  this holiday weekend this year was hard.  but we have a good support system and we stayed safe.  the kids were able to have some fun along with the hard crap…they stayed at cassidy’s and dyed easter eggs.  and they helped her go through boxes and organize.  and did a bunch of laundry (some of ours and a little of hers)  i know…we are strange…we like things like that.

we’ve been thinking…maybe if we use our blog here for not just the hard stuff, maybe it will be easier to write more often.  in that spirit, we want to tell everyone about a blog we love and follow.  it’s called PostSecret.  people send postcards to this guy with some secret they’ve never told anyone.  he’s published a bunch in several books, and every sunday he posts a bunch on the website.   this sunday he had one that we really relate to and find really relevant right now in our life.  unfortunately, some inside won’t let me tell which one it is.  but check it out…great site and great idea.  telling secrets frees us.

looking back on all the ones this sunday, it will be interesting wondering which one people think we’re referring to.

intrigued?  check it out before they are replaced by next sunday’s.

there is so much to say…so much inside this head of ours.  but every time we approach our journal it all gets swept away…

the frustrating part is that we know the power structure doesn’t want us talking about stuff…doesn’t want us telling.  we know that and yet can’t get beyond it.

all i know right now is that we are overwhelmed with sadness.  and feeling unwanted.  and feeling undesirable.  the fight to keep self harm free is not here.  the only thing keeping it from happening so far is our incredible fatigue.  we simply don’t have the energy to act on anything.

that is all that is being allowed out.