indigos journal

for those not in the know, it has been hot in the Seattle metro area.  fucking hot.  with the heat comes our desire to wear sleeveless shirts.  but this also leads to a dilemma…i am fat.  and so i have those dangling chunks of upper arm fat.  and this society, of which i am a member, teaches us that fat is ugly.  so if we are to follow this formula…fat = ugly.  indigos = fat.  therefore indigos = ugly.  we, in this phobic society, teach that this ugliness should be hidden.

it doesn’t help that we are already breaking taboos…we are an obviously female bodied person (huge breasts) who also has a beard.  our genderqueerness is challenging to people.  (including to ourselves at times)

we are trying to fight all the societal bullshit, but it’s not always easy.  our internal fatphobia and childhood trauma in this area is compounded by the stares and comments of people out there.

but we really like sleeveless shirts.  not only are they cooler in hot weather, but we like the look and feel.  and wearing sleeveless lets us show off the awesome tattoo we have on our left upper arm.

at the store today there was a sleeveless hooded shirt in two awesome colors that someone inside REALLY wanted.  we gave in and let them get them.  (the shirts were pretty cheap)

so tomorrow is the annual chorus picnic and barbecue.  the someone who wanted the shirts really wants to wear one.  it’s supposed to be hot still…

i think we will probably go ahead and wear one, but i have a feeling we will feel awkward and uncomfortable at times.

other than that, we are really looking forward to seeing our chorus family, eating good food, and enjoying the awesome view.

this morning (remember…morning is relative) we have been able to print out our twits and journal entries to take to therapy.  we haven’t been able to do that in quite some time.  i’m not sure what brought on the change.  perhaps the same (unknown) thing that has permitted us to journal again.  hmmm…

we haven’t gotten any feedback/comments on our last entry.  we are trying to be mature and not take it personally.  to not think that people really do think we’re an asshole for thinking that way.

wow…that last sentence had way to much thinking in it.

maybe it is our core belief that when things suck ass they won’t ever ever get any better.  because our thinking is centered very much “in the moment”.  whatever is happening right this second is all there will ever be.  we have little faith that there will be a future, let alone one that is better than the present.

this thinking/belief has changed somewhat, but it is still very much intact.  it is something that we still battle.

stupid abusers.

we just finished reading a book in which the main character nearly commits suicide.  our reaction to the fact that he changed his mind is interesting…we were disappointed.  we wanted him to commit suicide.

in this book, the author describes how this character had obsessed over death, particularly suicide, for years.  i feel like that describes us well.  i remember being like that from a very early age…as early as i remember.  we still think about it, hear people wanting it, picture it, pretty much every day.  i’m not talking about the serious-i-have-a-plan suicidal thinking.  i’m talking about the more subtle thinking.

this isn’t the only time we’ve seen a fictional character and thought they should commit suicide.  it happens all the time…in books, movies, tv, etc. when a characters life is really fucked up, we think that way.

when things seems really hard, or when emotions are really intense, that is where our mind goes.   maybe this makes us a coward…i don’t know.  and maybe it makes us mean to think like that about other people.

i welcome feedback and comments on this issue.

night comes again and with comes the sadness, loneliness and the die messages.  it’s so hard to be feeling such intense feelings every night.

kinda feeling blocked on saying anymore.

it’s really really cool!  we sent the link with our gala photos to the choruses.  a woman we really really really like and admire sent us the sweetest and most awesome feedback.  it feels so good that someone we look up to so much really likes our pictures.

it makes us giddy and happy happy.

it is night again and we feel sad again.  we hate the night.  it seems like every night we gets real real sad.  and lonesome.  and we hear the die voice.  and the voices about how our life is pointless and meaningless.  and how that will never change.

we feel like crying.  but we ain’t been able to cry forever.  i wish we could.  that would help.

the night is sad and scary and lonely

we haven’t written a real journal entry in oh so long.  often we lie in bed thinking of things we want to say, but are unable to get up and write them.  i think we are able to try and write right now because we are at ej’s…somehow that makes it less threatening.  so maybe that is the key…writing from other people’s houses or when someone is at our house.  or maybe the key is to leave the wordpress open in a tab all the time…i don’t know.  just stuff to try.  what i do know is that we miss writing.

we’ve been reading a lot more blogs lately.  political stuff, trans stuff, disability stuff…they are inspiring, thought-provoking, angry-making.  not angry at the blog writers; angry at this culture that still supports/allows/approves of fat-bashing, homophobia, transphobia, racism, classism, ageism, ableism, etc. etc. etc.  it is good to be thinking of these things again; to be more aware and responsible.

we want to be like that.  a good writer who inspires and moves and provokes emotions in people.  something to work on.

speaking of ideas and working on things…and jaga and sean’s after-birthday party last night, several of us talked about creating a genderqueer chorus.  i think that would be so awesome.  i would love for it to get to the point where we could join GALA and go to the conventions and perform.  we’ve created the first step…scheduling a day to rehearse and discuss/plan.  it’s kind of an exciting!  the two main goals are music fun and genderqueer visibility.  yay!

there are lots of emotional/therapy stuff going on, but i don’t feel we can write about it at this moment.  hopefully we can soon.