fat = ugly
for those not in the know, it has been hot in the Seattle metro area. fucking hot. with the heat comes our desire to wear sleeveless shirts. but this also leads to a dilemma…i am fat. and so i have those dangling chunks of upper arm fat. and this society, of which i am a member, teaches us that fat is ugly. so if we are to follow this formula…fat = ugly. indigos = fat. therefore indigos = ugly. we, in this phobic society, teach that this ugliness should be hidden.
it doesn’t help that we are already breaking taboos…we are an obviously female bodied person (huge breasts) who also has a beard. our genderqueerness is challenging to people. (including to ourselves at times)
we are trying to fight all the societal bullshit, but it’s not always easy. our internal fatphobia and childhood trauma in this area is compounded by the stares and comments of people out there.
but we really like sleeveless shirts. not only are they cooler in hot weather, but we like the look and feel. and wearing sleeveless lets us show off the awesome tattoo we have on our left upper arm.
at the store today there was a sleeveless hooded shirt in two awesome colors that someone inside REALLY wanted. we gave in and let them get them. (the shirts were pretty cheap)
so tomorrow is the annual chorus picnic and barbecue. the someone who wanted the shirts really wants to wear one. it’s supposed to be hot still…
i think we will probably go ahead and wear one, but i have a feeling we will feel awkward and uncomfortable at times.
other than that, we are really looking forward to seeing our chorus family, eating good food, and enjoying the awesome view.
i have so much respect for you. ugh, i don’t know how to say this with the right words but oh well. i just mean having to deal with the world on a daily basis when there clearly *are* those stigma, and not only do you have to deal with all the other survivor shit about not taking as much space but you have to deal with people *actually* judging you constantly. i really am not articulating well. like i already think people are judging me, but my stigmatized identities are mostly invisible, so i get to tell myself it’s all in my head.
and of course, we do not think you are ugly. we also think it is so awesome that you grow your facial hair. being genderqueer in such obvious ways really takes guts.
Comment by myriad — August 16, 2008 @ 11:47 am
There are so many words I think of when I think of you, most of them defining.
Brave, Funny, Smart, Caring, Survivor, Fighter, Friend, and Overweight are just some of them. I like all aspects of you because they are of you. Even the “fat”, I suffer with you because I know that part of you offends and upsets (I am fat too after all). But I like all of you, every inch.
For what its worth
Alex
Comment by Random — August 20, 2008 @ 8:51 am