indigos journal

started new drug and feel dizzy and heart racing and don’t know if it’s normal and want to die

10:28 PM on Sept 28, 2009

we discovered later that we actually forgot to take our meds yesterday…which was the real problem.  still having really strong die messages, though.

2:33 PM on Sept 29, 2009

i hate these mood swings.  or whatever they are.  i hate that we can be feeling really good in the afternoon…talking with a friend online…laughing…

and now, just after midnight…we are hurting and wanting to die.

i know all the answers.  i know we’re multiple. i know we have depression…and anxiety…and ptsd…and pcos…and fibro…and…and…and

but none of that makes us feel any better, right here, right now, sitting in this chair.

so it feels like i don’t have any answers at all.

(so…jason is a 16 year old insider. his job has always been to take to horribly overwhelming feelings of despair, desperation and suicidal longings. he’s done an amazing job of this. but, as he told a previous therapist, this means that he has two states of being: asleep and suicidal. we’re working on helping him not have to carry this stuff alone. he’s working on communicating instead of carrying on alone.  he’s also, apparently, our poet in residence.)
.

.

words

words

words

dropping

here and there

like rainfall

God…the guilt tripping makes us feel like shit and so non-functional.  Ugh.

so we’ve been working on our bucket list…one of the things we put on there is we want to see beauty in every day…even the sucky ones. so in that spirit…

• our kitty robbie.  she is beautiful.  especially when we can get out of the fear of her illnesses long enough to see her for who she is.
• the vet.  she is so helpful, thoughtful and understanding.  and willing to take the time to answer all questions and help us in any way she can.  we love that clinic.  (companion animal hospital in bellevue, washington)
• the people in the group i co-facilitate.  there is such amazing growth and courage in that group.  it’s inspiring.

(so…jason is a 16 year old insider. his job has always been to take to horribly overwhelming feelings of despair, desperation and suicidal longings. he’s done an amazing job of this. but, as he told a previous therapist, this means that he has two states of being: asleep and suicidal. we’re working on helping him not have to carry this stuff alone. he’s working on communicating instead of carrying on alone.  he’s also, apparently, our poet in residence.)
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i feel like virginia woolf/in the hours/the water calling to me/whispering softly/seducing/i ache to walk/into the ocean/and just keep walking.

(so…jason is a 16 year old insider. his job has always been to take to horribly overwhelming feelings of despair, desperation and suicidal longings. he’s done an amazing job of this. but, as he told a previous therapist, this means that he has two states of being: asleep and suicidal. we’re working on helping him not have to carry this stuff alone. he’s working on communicating instead of carrying on alone.  he’s also, apparently, our poet in residence.)
.
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the night started so very panic-stricken/and we took the drugs for that/it worked/we are calm/and now i see/no point/in anything.

so we’re walking home from myriad and edges tonight…and we come upon this woman from our building that had fallen. we were kind of annoyed that another woman had just left her there, when she was obviously in pain.

we stopped, and were talking to her. like i said, she was obviously in a great amount of pain. she asked if we had a cell phone. we pulled our phone out and went to hand it to her. instead, she asked if we could dial a number. we dialed and then handed her the phone. she talked with the person on the other end for a minute and then handed the phone back. i inquired, and she replied that someone was coming from the building to help her.

i then helped her up (she was trying to do so) and waited with her until this other woman arrived. then i walked a little bit in front of them, looking back occasionally to make sure they were ok. when i got to the front door of the building, i opened it and then waited for them and held the door open for them.

she asked my name, and then told me hers. they live on the floor above mine.

it wasn’t until i got off the elevator that i realized that i had done something that might have given her a really bad impression…it would have appeared, without further information, to be racist. yes, race comes in. both women appear to be from some middle eastern country (that IS a guess) and they both have pretty thick accents. so sometimes it is a strain for me to understand. but i don’t feel any hate or prejudice because of any of this.

what happened is this: when she handed my phone back, without thinking i wiped it on my shirt before putting it away. it was an automatic reaction, because i do that after anyway uses my phone…including myself. it’s hot, it’s sweaty. the phone gets wet. so i wipe it off.

but how was this woman to know any of that? she doesn’t. so now i feel bad…i’ve given this woman reason to believe…what? i don’t know…i think that for people who are used to being treated badly, you notice that shit. and i don’t want to be one of the people perpetrating that.

but what to do? as i mentioned, there are communication difficulties between people coming from two different cultures. and if she hadn’t noticed?

i don’t have any answers…i just feel bad for possible hurt feelings.

and i hope she isn’t hurt to badly.