indigos journal

we are feeling a little better, in the daytime at least. night is still really hard.  but we are going back to basics and trying to live one moment at a time. (thanks edges!)

we really opened up in group this last time, even crying some.  the response was wonderful.  that has helped.  we’ve also been isolating less…which always helps. we also finally dealt with the insurance crap from the car accident in december.  it’s been too overwhelming, so we just haven’t dealt with it til now.  but the guy was really nice and helpful.

chorus is starting up this coming tuesday, and we are really looking forward to that.  we had our first chorus retreat committee meeting…that was fun. we left it infused with fun, creative energy.  always a plus!  we have lots of works to do…we’re the registration and housing lead.  i don’t regret the work, though…it’s fun to me…but it is work.

and we finally started looking for an urn for Robbie’s ashes.  (tips and links on this are welcome!)  it’s hard…we miss her so much…but it feels good too…like we’re facing it now instead of avoiding it.  we also figured out that it hasn’t been as long since she died as we thought.  so much has happened in that time it just felt like longer.  she died towards the end of november.  we feel her absence everywhere here in our apartment.

anyhoo…heading out with a friend in a few, so i will end for now.

death usually calls to me

late into the night

for i do not sleep

have never slept

at night

for someone needs to guard

and what kind of guard would i be

if i slept?

yes-

in the dark of the night

death whispers to me

first seductively

and when i resist

she gets more forceful

pulling out her bag of tricks.

indeed…

i said she.

for, like the creature that spawned me,

she deals in

seduction

guilt

shame

hopelessness

despair

and, ultimately,

betrayal.

but still,

every night,

while i am wide awake

she calls to me

trying to lasso me in.

luckily the night is not too long.

by jason

so very much has been going on. we already knew that we work at turbo-speed. but now we’ve been working at turbo-turbo-speed.

which leaves so much to say. so much that it becomes all muddled in our head…and so hard to get out in the open. but we do miss writing…so we’ll try this again. we often compose entries when we are trying to fall asleep…but by that point we don’t want to get up and actually write them. oh, for a laptop. but, hell, we’d first settle for a good desktop.

anyway….

several bigs things happening of late:

• the wall separating all the pre-seattle people came down. not sure what land they are in…but they are an ever present part of the system again.
• the wall keeping protectors Tee and Tye from actually coming out and protecting have come down. so they’ve been out more.  again, i don’t know what land they live in…
• 4 new protectors have been able to come out.  they are ones created by the group of abusers we can’t seem to name…but now that the wall keeping them back came down, they defected and have vowed to protect the system.  one is a regular visitor on the outside; we feel the others around and often hear their comments.
• we’ve been getting in touch with several people from our past.  this does not include our parents, and i doubt it ever will.  they will never change…and we don’t need that poison. but we’ve been delighted to become reacquainted with the folks we’ve reconnected with.  we are careful, if not paranoid, about who we do connect with.
• sasha, our native healer, has been much more active (both inside and out)…and is now training two others who seem to have healing skills as well.
• we, with assurances from two outside of ourself to protect us, got brave enough to go to slc.  it is the first time we were back since we escaped in 1997.  it was a good visit. we even got to go to our brother’s grave. in doing so we learned of many deaths in our family.  sigh…hard to not be able to connect with one’s family.

not that all is rosy.  we still have our challenges…we miss our kitty Robbie horribly.  sometimes we could swear we see her…other times we could swear we hear her.  all i know is we miss her so much.

and the enforcers haven’t given up.  the biggest program they keep trying to punish us for breaking is when we appear to have angered and/or upset someone.  when that happens they repeat all the nasty names we’ve been called and try to punish us.  ugh…it’s frustrating, because we are disappointing lots of folks right now…we don’t seem to be functioning worth crap, which means we aren’t able to respond or be with friends who would like that.

not sure what else right now…that’s been a pretty big brain dump.