indigos journal

argh. how i wish that i good make abled people understand that when i cannot do something as planned, it’s not personal. it’s not “rude”.  it’s a fact of my daily existence.

so we’ve been thinking about things.  and we realize that some of our behavior in december.  even though at the time we couldn’t do anything about it, we took the high road. we’ve apologized to these people several times.  the first time, none of them could hear it through their hurt and anger.  so the next time we sent an email to all but the one who doesn’t have email. her we had to call.  the call seemed to go well, even though it was really hard.

the people we sent the emails to…all but one have expressed silence so far. the one is still angry because we had a ticket to the men’s concert and we couldn’t go. and we couldn’t let anyone know that. now, i understand that this can be frustrating. i’ve lived through it from that point of view and know that it can be frustrating.  but he is angry about it and says we were “rude”.

now…we’ve been working with these people for 5 years. and our crew of associates, we’ve been open with them about being disabled. and about the nature of that disability. including the specifics…like how sometimes we can’t leave the house…sometimes we can’t use the phone…etc.

grrr…

but we’re given little latitude for our disabilities. we get anger and silence.  so much for miss c’s theory that having multiple and disabled friends is bringing us down…we need to get some normal friends.  and yes, that was a quote.

we’ll take freaks (meant in a good way…hey, we’re a loud and proud freak) over normies any day of the week.  sometimes my limitations, that i’m working on, but often have no control over, hurt my freak friends. but they talk to me about it. they understand, even though they were hurt, that it wasn’t purposeful or about them. my freak friends forgive me and stand by me. i don’t have to beg for forgiveness over and over.

so…what to do. what to do. we’re considering giving it up after our responsibilities this quarter.  we love our chorus family. but is there really going to be a place for us there?

and if we do leave, where/what do we do instead?  we like having something to spend some of our time on…to try and change this f-ed up world. to give back the good that has been given to us.

where is our place?

and will we always have a fight to make that place for ourselves?

i don’t know if i’d like it in Normyville.  but i’d sure like to try it for a while.

ok…so they say there’s no such thing as “normal”.   so how bout we rename it Abled-Ville.  which is connected to White-Ville.  and Middle-Class-Ville.  and Male-Ville.  and Straight-Ville. you get the picture.  we could go on and on, but we’ll leave it at that.  out of these, the one privilege  we have is being white.  (at least visibly…we’re part Cherokee, put mostly no one sees that.)

my point in starting all of this is that sometimes i’d like to visit the other side for a while.

i’m frustrated because i’m sitting here at home instead of at chorus where i want and need to be.  there are several intertwining reasons for this, all relating to disability and class.

1. we don’t have our scooter (for transportation) because we lent it to a friend who has consistently refused to give it back.  and because of our ptsd and trauma issues, we’ve been afraid to confront her, demand it back or, as a last resort, go to the police.
2. because we’re on disability and therefore poor, we don’t have the needed bus money to take the bus.  not to mention the time factor of having to take two buses, the emotional tole of being around so many people. (see back to the ptsd and trauma issues)
3. again, being on disability and therefore poor, we don’t have the money for a cab.  and even if we did, those damn ptsd and trauma issues make it nearly, if not, impossible for us to use the phone. especially calling a stranger. and then there’s the cab ride, all alone, with a stranger (usually male)
4. said phone issues make it really hard to reach out for help.  we did finally work up the courage to call one person (couldn’t/wouldn’t help) and text another (didn’t reply).  by then, kids are freaking out.  so we have to take the time to call the system down.
5. even though it is technically possible to walk there (we did it before when our physical health was much better), due to our current physical disabilities and issues it would be excruciatingly painful. if not impossible.  (and the cold makes it worse)
6. since it is all but impossible to get there tonight, we manage to get up the courage to call one of the people we need to and text the other, telling them we won’t be there.  and instead of support, we get anger and silence.

i wish people understood how hard “simple” things can be, and how overwhelming, to someone who is disabled.  i wish i didn’t have to deal with my own self-hatred and judgment for not being able to do things that “everyone” can do.

we were reading Leslie Feinberg’s  “Transgender Warriors” the past couple of nights.  and one of the things that he makes really clear is that all oppressed communities need to come together to fight oppression.  i completely agree.  not until we all face our prejudices and join together can we win our fight.

but right now we are feeling anything but triumphant.