indigos journal

one of the kids just said “i want to die mommy”.  (yes, some of the kids call us bigs mommy)

it breaks my heart that they are feeling that way.  it was bad enough that we felt that way growing up.

but i  can’t honestly say to them that living is the right thing. i don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.

and that is pretty sad too.

it feels like all we do is cry anymore.  but seriously, where is our body get the fluid from? we know we’re not drinking enough.

being multiple makes this already hard situation so much harder. because even if one person decides something, someone else is feeling differently and may just try and sabotage it.  or make us hurt even worse about things “because we deserve to hurt for what we’re doing”.

someone today made us forget to take our meds.  so we’ve been going through withdrawals a good portion of the day…and we know that when they do this is it is a way to weaken the opposition to the notion of suicide.

i don’t know what to say anymore. we’re just so tired…and finding it hard to think straight. or to even know what thinking straight looks like.

we are so confused. we don’t know what the best thing to do is. we know we feel like we are dying inside. someone says that it would be better just to die period.

god…i just don’t know.

others say we should have stayed where we were, with who we love, even if it leads to death…because we want to die anyway.

we never, ever, ever wanted to hurt them. not again.

so confused. even if we were talking, how can i help them understand when we don’t understand ourselves?

and even if a couple understand the danger (we don’t think any of them fully do) what about the rest that think we’re crazy? that *said* we’re crazy? that it’s simply impossible?

i wish i could sleep and not wake again.

we can barely remember what we did with ourselfs and our life before them…we feel so lost. not talking, not texting, not playing the same game on facebook…so lost.

it seems so pathetic that we are this lost without someone else. but there you are.

it feels like what we are doing is the hardest thing we have ever done. harder than that time in junior high. harder than that time with our little brother.

it feels like we are being torn apart inside. will we recover?

we don’t mean to sound dramatic…we are not the drama type.  just trying to be honest with where we are.

they barely believe & understand about that time in junior high. they don’t/won’t believe & understand right now.

and i crave to try and explain. but it does no good. it just makes things worse.

the die voices are so strong. it feels like we are going mad.