indigos journal

it would be easy to mistake this as being addressed to someone out there. it’s not. so don’t go there. the fingers point back at me.

everyday i come here…and see if you’ve been. see if you’ve left another comment.

i know…i’m not supposed to.

and i don’t want to keep making it worse. because people inside say that on again off again *is* making it worse.

but the truth is that i miss them. i love them. every day we wish we could talk, could text.

but i know that we were both unhappy, there at the end.

other than that, we are confused. and lost. don’t know what to do. what not to do. just told not to act on our impulses. which, i guess, is a good idea if we want to avoid the hospital again.

this makes no sense…i realize that. but that is our head right now…confused and making no sense.

feeling painted into a corner. no way out.

will things ever feel *right* again?

a week and a half (or so) ago someone cut pretty bad. we were taken to the er and had 9 stitches. then we were admitted to the psych ward. spent a week there.  the stitches are out now.

i don’t know if it did any good.

at first we felt better. but then, who wouldn’t when you don’t have any outside worries? i was fed 3 meals and snacks. lovely food…especially the fresh fruit. but then i come home, and everything is still the same. the inability to clean the fucking house or fix ourself food. the constant medical appointments.  the self harm impulses, the suicidal feelings.

and through it all, we miss them. it tears at us.

and there is so much we can’t say…

but we feel like everything we do makes things worse. and there are people mad at us. people hurt by us. people upset at us.

i wish right and wrong were easier to make out.

we did another stupid thing. and this time it wasn’t the kids. (oh…btw…the kids weren’t punished. they were doing what they thought was right and what they thought would help the situation)

once again we don’t know if we did the right thing or something incredibly stupid.

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Brandi Carlile — Turpentine

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I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

These days we go to waste like wine
That’s turned to turpentine
It’s six AM and I’m all messed up
I didn’t mean to waste your time
So I’ll fall back in line
But I’m warning you we’re growing up

I heard you found some pretty words to say
You found your little game to play
and there’s no one allowed in
Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates
And conquers from within again

These days we go to waste like wine
That’s turned to turpentine
It’s six AM and I’m all messed up
I didn’t mean to waste your time
So I’ll fall back in line
But I’m warning you we’re growing up

a young one did something controversial. they thought they were helping. but we are confused…did it just make things worse?

our confusion level…and pain level…haven’t changed much.

the kid(s) who did what they did were afraid of getting in trouble. but can we really punish them if we don’t know the right thing?

god this is so hard.  and it seems like there are some things that no matter how many times we say it, or how many different ways, some people can’t hear it. i wish those invisible ones would quit sabotaging things.

oh god

the pain

the tears

the ripping inside

my stars

i can’t see you

or feel you

anymore

we don’t know what to do. we don’t know what to do. we miss you so much. all of you.

oh god oh god oh god