indigos journal

we can’t sleep.

we feel anger pressing on us from so many sides.  we feel trapped with no way out. we feel confused and unsure how to move from this space.

we sent an email, apologizing to a “friend”.  we should have known better than to expect anything other than anger and accusation back.  but it still hurts.  it hurts to know that so many people are angry and/or disappointed in us. it hurts to feel like we’ve burned so many bridges and lost our chance with some people.

we’re used to being the “good girl”…the one who tries to always do what people want and expect….to be a champion at healing…the perfect patient/client…{bitter laugh}….we’re not that anymore.

the crazy thing about the one friend being so mad at us for being in this “destructive relationship” is that, as many have pointed out time and time again, that relationship is itself emotionally abusive.

it doesn’t really matter…not really…we’ve really been shown lately that we can’t please another person. we can’t make another person happy.  even if we try our hardest. even if we lie to ourselves.

and that leaves us wanting to cut. we know that it is at least partially programming.  because for the cutter, all he hears is “cut, cut, cut” (always in sets of three).  all he sees is the razor cutting into our skin.

others say that other pain will work too.  the problem for them is that they can’t inflict it on us…they think it needs to be inflicted by someone else…that we need to be “punished”.

we don’t see any way out…no way out of this desert we’re in. and we’re really parched.

so…we were watching star trek: the next generation last night.  the enterprise went to the aid of its sister ship, the yamata (sp?).  the yamata had been at a planet in the neutral zone doing some archaeological stuff.  they were scanned by a probe from the planet.  shortly thereafter, the ship began performing oddly…systems shutting down, explosions, etc.  by the time the enterprise got to them, the ship exploded.  the enterprise had just enough time to download the yamata’s logs.

by this time the romulans appeared demanding that the enterprise leave the neutral zone.  picard decides to complete the mission the other captain had started on, despite the objections of the romulans.  while over the planet, both the enterprise and the romulan ship begin having the same problems that had eventually destroyed the yamata.  in the romulans case, their ship gets set on auto destruct and they can’t change it.

in the end the discover that the probe had transmitted alien programming into the yamata’s computer and it took over.  being incompatible, it destroyed the ship.  both the romulans and the enterprise had downloaded the yamata’s files and thus also received the programming.  of course, they figured it out and saved both ships.

why am i rambling on about tng?  this episode is an almost perfect analogy for how we feel/what’s going on for our system right now.

today in therapy programming was going off right and left…hitting us out of nowhere (seemingly) and making us feel quite insane and out of control. our therapist would just bring us out of one trance, and another program would go off.  anything to keep us from connecting with her and getting too close to information.

and we’ve been feeling like that romulan ship…in self-destruct sequence.  feeling suicidal and self harm impulses, engaging in risky and self destructive behavior.  in some cases encouraging it, in other cases just not able to say no.

and we don’t have the handy crew of the s.s. enterprise to save the day.  and the s.s. indigo crew is not feeling so confident these days.  maybe a friend of ours is right…maybe we need to dock at a station for an overhaul and de-programming.  sigh…i don’t know.

enough corny space jokes and comparisons.  we’re tired.