indigos journal

feeling a lot of sadness yesterday, and those feelings have continued into today.  and feeling very alone, which, i think, is intimately connected with the sadness.  i don’t know what to do with it, except to just be with it.  that can be hard because sometimes the lost and sad and alone just feels so overwhelming.  but trying to have patience with ourselves and let ourselves just be however we are.

not wanting to go out so far.  but we have an appointment with our case mgr, so we really need to.  and going out always makes us feel better.  why is it so hard to do?

today’s animal medicine card: Inverted Owl (21) Deception.

“night is owl’s friend”

“owl can see that which others cannot”

“where others are deceived, owl see and knows”

“befriend the darkness inside yourself”

owl would hoot right now, but it is sleeping.  so i will just say good day.

got up late today…trying not to overreact to that.  but the worry is there…that this new routine is not going to stick and it will be like before.  it scares us still how bad things were.

we see kathy today.  we are glad for that…feeling very fragile right now.

feeling sad, but don’t know why.  when i ask, all i get is “i want my mommy”.  i don’t say that to be dismissive…it just does not contain as much info as i would like.  feel kids rocking.  the hiddens?  don’t know what else to say…

today’s animal medicine card: Inverted Frog (38) Cleansing.

“teaches us to honor our tears, for they cleanse the soul”

“is someone draining your energy?”

“recognize what it is that is mucking up the lily pond”

“negativity is drawn to you when you refuse to give yourself the time and space needed”

ribet.

we embraced wild boar and the concept of confronting our fears yesterday when we told people something we were afraid to tell them.  we were afraid because we were scared that people wouldn’t believe us.  that fear seems to be programming, and it concerns the “bad people”.  so we faced that fear…everyone believed us and supported us.  that felt really good.

today’s animal medicine card: Inverted Butterfly (9) Transformation.

“the ability to know the mind or to change it”

“you are ready to undergo some type of transformation”

“this new world demands that you use your new-formed wings–and fly!”

there is a possibility of inspection today.  the people from HUD are doing random inspections…so we may or may not be inspected…there is no way to tell.  we are trying not to stress over it…after all, a pretty good excuse–being in the hospital for three weeks.

good day to all

we had a nightmare the night before last that seemed to really effect our mood yesterday.  plus a text message that seems to have triggered some stuff.  we are having a hard time believing ourselves about it, though.  some think we are being paranoid.  others don’t.  but regardless, our feelings are our truth.  and so we are going to delete future texts unread and unopened.

anyway…due to the nightmare and text, we had a rough day yesterday.  we were unable to go out and we didn’t talk to anyone.  we had some die messages.  we were really scared we were back to pre-hospital.  but we did keep up with other things.  so all-in-all still a successful day.  and we seem to be feeling better today.

we have an appointment with the psych nurse today.  we need to update him on our medication and discuss the seroquel/klonopin issue.  we hope he is open minded about it and will discuss it with us instead of dictating.

today’s animal medicine card: Wild Boar (48) Confrontation.

“the human spirit is empowered through wild boar’s willingness to confront fears”

“embrace your warrior nature and find the courage to confront your fears”

“bring yourself the peace of closure”

“it is insisting that you be fully present and mindful of what is happening and why”

“you already possess the courage needed”

“unless you actively embrace you issues, you cannot reclaim your spirit’s energy”

good day

as we twitted, we have been sitting here distracting ourselves with online stuff to avoid writing here in our journal.  i don’t know why we do that…we feel better when we do it.  maybe because it puts us in touch with our feelings.

we slept in our hour because when we woke up, our head was pounding so painfully.  but getting up seems to have helped with that, even though it is at first excruciating.

so far we have been keeping up with the dishes after we eat each time.  including the dishes a friend left, which often make us very overwhelmed.  we’ve also made eating a priority and have kept up with that.  also drinking water.  those things make such a huge difference in maintaining our mental health and stability.  we never realized.

i can’t believe it is almost ten already…the day is seeming to go by so much faster outside the hospital.  and we thought it would crawl.  glad it doesn’t…that would suck.

so…today’s animal medicine card: Armadillo (28) Boundaries.  very interesting…we had armadillo another time in the last week.  apparently we really need to work on boundaries.

“its boundaries of safety are a part of its total being”  (so we are denying and neglecting part of our total being by not having and enforcing boundaries)

“what a gift it is to set your boundaries so that harmful words or intentions just roll off”  (a gift to ourselves, others, both?  a gift? seriously? we always saw it as being mean and cruel to others. and i don’t mean intentional cruelty…just the act of setting and enforcing any boundary.)

“your lesson is in setting up what you want to experience”  (hmmm…)

“it is time to define your space”

“you cannot be objective if you cannot tell where the other person’s personality stops and where yours begins.”  (story of my life, especially with significant others.  the closer someone is, the harder it is to tell.)

just an fyi, since i never really explained:  these daily cards and info is coming from “Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals” by Jamie Sams & David Carson.

Guten Tag to one and all.

today was a good day…but we are worrying about relapse so much that we are not giving ourselves a any latitude for spontaneity.   we are worried already because we are up later than we have been lately…we worry that if we let up on our schedule then we will be like we were before the hospital.  that scares us because we were so close to death.  we don’t like being that close.  we want to feel strong and free.

so how to find a healthy balance? kathy says we have to prove to ourselves that things have changed.  that it is normal to be scared.  so maybe if we can’t trust ourselves yet we can put our trust in her.

• Feeling irritable…grr #
• Going home on saturday #
• Feeling really ultra pissy and unaccepted due to a conversation in a group mtg here #
• Last night…and oh so anxious #
• Just waiting for the shuttle to get here and take me to the airport. #
• On the way to dulles #
• Just saw a traffic cone *on top* of a car #
• Wow…had to explain my disability way more than ever before in order to get a preboard pass. Usually they don't question #
• I think I gained weight while inpatient. The airline seat fits worse than usual #
• All that healthy eating, I think #
• Sunrise from airplane window http://t.co/kxthAsmJ #
• Sunrise 2 http://t.co/V1ph3vzy #
• Landed in chicago. Couple of hours wait. Good thing I have entertainment #
• Hehe…grilled jerk sandwich #
• Home sweet home. Glad to be back in seattle. #
• My period waited for me to get home before starting. That was very considerate of my body. #
• "Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting."     – Napolean Hill #

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we didn’t have any time yesterday to write or do animal medicine cards.  we missed both those things.

it is nice to be home.  and it was nice to see kathy again.  we know now that our fears regarding her were not true.  she still likes us and wants us.  and she misses us.  she liked the bracelet we made her.

the cats are very happy to see us.  we had been afraid that they would forget us.

we have a large list of things to do today.  mostly logistical/organizational.  we want to stay in today.  (especially since we started our period today…we usually want to stay in then).  but we are afraid to tell one of our friends, who really misses us and wants to see us.  but i need to be armadillo and have my shields so as not to take  on other people’s stuff.  i think maybe just dinner but not hanging out.  i think that would be a good balance of our needs.

today’s animal medicine card: WOLF (15) Teacher

without even reading, it reminds us that we need to focus on our needs today.

And we really like the poem that starts of the reading:

“Wolf…

Teacher

Pathfinder,

Moon-dog of my soul.

Howling,

Singing,

Teaching how to know.”

some lines that stand out to us:

“wolf is the pathfinder…”

“enormous sense of family within the pack, as well as a strong individualistic urge.”   (we just need to honor both, instead of just the pack, which is our usual M.O.)

“senses are very keen”

“moon is its power ally”   (and we are on our period right now, which is the power of the moon)

“moon is the symbol of psychic energy”   (so are periods connected to psychic energy?)

“your intuitive side may also have an answer or teaching for you personal use at this time”

“wolf could also be telling you to seek out lonely places that will allow you to see your teacher within”   (why we want to be alone on our period?)

“in the aloneness of a power place, you may find the true you”

“look for teachings no matter where you are”

so i am going to work on my tasks, but i also need to remember to take breaks.

• Did lots of art today #
• Feeling like a babbling stupid idiot again…but just had the thought…I think they are outcasts…part of the outcast system #
• Our stupid therapist spent a group today on dbt shit. We said we thought it was shit and then dissociated the rest of the time. #
• So overwhelmed with sadness we just shut down completely. Completely. Kinda like that seizure night in group, minus the seizures #
• Today woke up feeling a little better #
• Left wrist is hurting really badly. And the PA won't do shit about it. Need to make an appt with Dr. back home #
• I hate that we got in touch with feelings again to find out that we are anxious *all. the. time.* #

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