indigos journal

we love the alt text on this one.  really speaks to where we are.

http://asofterworld.com/index.php?id=722

babies sleep in very late and it feel good.  kitties not like though.  their food late.  nani say it ok we sleep so late cause it a bad day.

systems real worried bout the weight thing.  we been in so much pain and plus the overheat problem that it hard to walk and exercise and stuff.  so we keep gaining weight.  the anorexics say they told us so and if we want to stop it then we gotta stop eating again.  the punishers and death squad feel so desperate and hopeless they wanna die cause they think it never gonna get better.  and everyone just don’t know what to do.  it scare everyone bad cause of us heart.  it not doing well.  we can feel it.

we wanna do fun hallween stuffs but we not being so functional.  not functional is not good.  we already missed art studio at the full life place.  and we needs some grocries.  but bigs just find a hallween cartoons thing (with shrek!) to play on roku.  so we can do that tonight.  netflix don’t got a way to search by topic so we cant find if there any more fun hallween shows.

we gotta gets foods now.  whale stay with us nother day.

• Got a bunch of stuff done in the two hours we were home today #
• Retreat meeting was mostly good…there were several frustrating moments. #
• Great view on the boat back to seattle #
• Going to help a friend who is having a medical procedure #
• Looking forward to spending the night in our own bed sans canine ball of energy #
• Fighting sleep. Big time. #
• Figuring out insurance is a nightmare #
• The pizza is mad…the indigos is sad. #
• Fighting sleep AGAIN !!! #
• Just passed two homeless kids, each wrapped in a blanket. So sad. #
• Stupid woman playing with her smartphone behind the wheel *backed into me* then drove away without stopping. Luckily the scooter and I … #
• Looks like halloween might be hard this year. #
• I suck at keeping time…group was an hour longer than usual yet with less people #
• Today is a nonfunctional upset kind of day #
• Body is still hurting a lot #
• Guy on the corner of thomas and broadway is making some excellent music. We'd buy his cd, if he had one. #
• Turns out he does have one. His name is Eric Freeman and he plays the blues. #
• God I hurt so bad! Need to find out if I can go to chiropractor #
• Cat puke all over the house. Great way to start the day #

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feeling at a loss for anything to say.  except that we are still in a lot of physical pain (our back) and that we are tired.  maybe we will go back to bed for a little bit.

the only other thing coming up is that we are worried about tonight and tomorrow night.  the information we are getting from inside is that we were supposed to be back in slc for some kind of ritual for halloween.  so everyone is feeling scared and on edge.  but it will be ok…we are here and we are safe and we have lots of support around us.  if they made any kind of move, lots of people would make noise about it.  as long as we don’t hand ourselves over again.  and that, my friends, is not going to happen.

it still bothers us, though, that there are a a bunch of people in utah that see us as the bad guy.  i don’t know why it bothers us, but it does.  i wish we were in a place where we could say that it didn’t matter.  we feel like there is something wrong with us that we care what they think.  hell, it still really bothers us that the mom, upon meeting us when we were 12 or 13, said that she felt *evil* coming from us.  she knew we were being abused, but she thought we were evil.  still does.  what do you think, readers?  are we evil?  because we get really scared wondering if she is right.  but there is also part of us that is outraged that an adult would say that of an abused kid.  forget getting help or trying to help.  just say the kid is evil.  and therefore deserves what she gets?  i want to just dismiss her and her opinions, but it’s so hard.  what if she’s right?

today’s animal medicine: Whale (41) Record Keeper

“unique cry or call…find yours”

“allow your voice to use this sound to release tension or emotion”

“signals a time of finding your origins, of seeing your overall destiny”

“on some level you have forgotten that you hold all the answers you need to survive, to grow, and to claim the power of your chosen destiny”

“flow with the waters of time and collect your answers”

“you must desire to know”

our body hurts so bad…our lower back and our hips.  it’s hard to walk.  i think we need to see the chiropractor again.  the problem is that we don’t know if our attorney sent them the guarantee of payment on our huge bill.  without that guarantee, they won’t see us again.  and everyone knows our difficulty with phones.

we slept in by several hours.  and we are letting that be ok…we were so exhausted.  i think being so busy during the week might not be such a good idea.  having something everyday is a nice idea, but by friday we are so tired.  of course, there is the pain and the holiday contributing…so we might be fine with our schedule when things calm down.  it’s so hard to know what to do!

i want to write more, but the pain is making it hard to think.

today’s animal medicine:  Blue Heron (45) Self-Reflection

“Heron medicine is the power of knowing the self”

“it is the power to accept all feelings”

“Heron asks that they follow their intuition”

“urging you to dive into the watery world of feelings to seek your truth”

“if you get stuck in the process, it may be a sign that you are being too hard or critical”

“there are many layers of truth to understand, and wholeness is impossible to attain in one dive”

last night we had that excruciating restless leg/electricity feeling really bad.  it kept us awake much later than usual.  we hope that it isn’t back…that we don’t go back to having it constantly.  and we don’t know what to do to keep it from happening.

we’ve been having a lot of rage about people stepping all over us…feeling like our feelings aren’t taken into account.  rude, inconsiderate people.  it’s been happening a lot.  maybe the universe is trying to teach us to stand up for ourselves…to protect our space.  i think it’s progress that we’re angry about our boundaries and space and feelings being disrespected.  before we would feel self hate and want to hurt ourselves and die…like we needed to be punished.  like there was something wrong with us.  it’s uncomfortable to feel angry and rageful…but we can use it as a tool to guide us and protect us.

today’s animal medicine: Antelope (37) Action

“you have no need to be fearful if you know what to do and then you do it”

“Run Antelope…

Teach me,

Of action

And its pace.”

“action is the key and essence of living”

“Antelope knows the way, and so do you”

“take courage and leap; your sense of timing is perfect”

“take your own authority”

nightmare…slc, trying to get away from slc without being caught by *them*.  lethal spider-scorpion things.  a guy that let the spider-scorpion things crawl on me, and possibly bite-sting me, because he was jealous that i was the one things were focused on.

speaking of slc…i was in my group at full life, doing the relaxation/imagery, when suddenly i was there in slc.  it was so real…we could see it, smell hear, hear it…and we were so scared.  it was so strong…it was really hard to pull out of that and back into the here and now.  it was so overwhelming that we would have done almost anything to make it stop.  the small amount of time it was happening felt like so long…it felt like forever.  it felt like we would never be able to not be there.

today’s animal medicine: Mountain Lion (17) Leadership

“you could become a target for the insecurities of others”  (like in our dream!)

“places you in a position to be a target for the problems of others”

“the ability to lead without insisting that others follow”

“you will learn to balance power, intention, and grace”

“it is time to stand on your convictions and lead yourself where your heart takes you”

“if you are aligned with cat medicine, you are considered to be “king of the mountain”, and never allowed to be human or vulnerable.”  (we feel like this often)

“the pitfalls are many, but the rewards are great”

“you can never make everyone happy unless you lie to yourself or others”  (we’ve done this for so long…and even then it didn’t really work. we simply can’t make everyone happy.)

we got a text yesterday that really fucked us up.  it messed with our head so bad that we were literally shaking.  but i think we handled it really well, which is progress.  i wish we could say that they have no power over us, but they do.  we are working on that, but we have to be honest about where we are.  i’m just thankful that we have friends and a therapist that are all so wonderfully supportive.  they help us get through.

having trouble still.  can’t focus and don’t know what to say.  so we will leave it at that for now.

we missed writing yesterday.  our schedule was so chaotic we didn’t get a chance.  for some reason it always seems harder to do it after not having done so.  in fact, as much as we missed it, we don’t want to be doing it now.  but i know that we always feel better when we are writing.  and we always feel better when we are following our routine.

not really sure what to write about…except that we are feeling sad and alone.  it’s weird…we know that we are not alone.  we know it deep down. but the feeling of aloneness is still there.  which to trust-knowing or feeling?  which is more corruptible?

we are feeling so distracted.  having a hard time focusing on this.  we want to write…it seems like it is easier to focus when writing in a handwritten journal.  computers, wonderful though they are, seem to scatter our attention.  i guess i am just babbling…but i don’t want to leave the intimacy created by sharing ourselves like this.  it helps us feel closer to other human beings.  it might be false intimacy, but it is better than feeling alone.

i hate that the Clonodine-Seroquel combination is the only thing that seems to help right now.  it makes us sleepy…but sleepy is better than massive anxiety and feeling crazy.

today’s animal medicine: Butterfly (9) Transformation

“the power that Butterfly brings to us is akin to the air.  it is the mind, and the ability to know the mind or to change it.  it is the art of transformation.”

“Butterfly can give clarity to your mental process and assist you in finding the next step”

“the main message to be obtained is that you are ready to undergo some type of transformation”

“in ruling out any possibility of change, you are saying that the courage of Butterfly has been lost”

“use your newfound wings”

• Somebody hit our scooter scratched it up #
• Feeling sad and kind of dizzy floaty #
• Experimental painting http://t.co/FamfUqH1 #
• Having a hard afternoon and night. Lots of upset in the systems. #
• Yesterday's hard day and upset systems continues today #
• Hurt inside…giant chasm of pain #
• Life continues…and we feel on the outside of it again. #
• So we came across a guy peeing in the middle of an alley in town. Charming. #
• Fire in the house. But managed to keep the building alarm from going off. #
• Yay fridge people are here! #
• Santa clause is walking down denny ave. Ah, the things you see on Cap Hill… #
• Getting an iv so they can give us contrast during our heart ultrasound. Fun stuff. #
• So fucking exhausted. #
• On the ferry watching the sky and clouds go by…it's kind of peaceful. #
• Just did the halloween jack-o-lantern walk on bainbridge island. And got face painting. #
• Getting home cooked breakfast. Yummy. #

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