by the time we got home last night, we were so exhausted.  utterly worn out.  with being trapped in our apartment for a bit, our chiro appointment, and all the chorus stuff… don’t get me wrong.  i don’t begrudge the chorus stuff.  we very much enjoy doing it.  but it does exhaust us.  we so could not work and do this every day.

right now we are fighting to stay awake.  we are so sleepy.  i think this is two-fold–pain in our back and tooth as well as people not wanting to go to full life.  we have an appointment with our case manager, and then art group.  it’s been several weeks since we’ve been there…so it feels foreign to us…and people are scared of them being mad at us for being gone so long.  a big part of not wanting to go to the group part is that we feel so different from all the other people.  they are mostly schizophrenic types.  nothing wrong with that, we just don’t relate.  they are all very straight…both in gender and sexuality.  very self-focused only.  we feel invisible there.   also it is cold out and we don’t want to go out.  but we are also scared to cancel again.

maybe a short nap will help.

 

it’s weird that i never know what to say until after i start writing.  so there is always this awkward time of having to write about nothing at all.  but i do have to…because i want to get to the part of having words and knowing more about what is going on for us.

last night was hard.  we felt upset, sad, lost, alone and insecure.  there wasn’t anything to go with the feelings…so i don’t really know where they were coming from.  just overwhelming feelings.  and the only thing to do with feelings is to feel them.  to just hang on, trying to know and remember that they don’t last forever.  trying to know and remember that feelings are not reality.  we felt alone, but in reality we are not alone.  we felt like people were mad at us, but in reality i don’t think anyone was.  feelings are real…but they are not reality.  that doesn’t mean we dismiss them…they are important and they are real.  and they contain so much vital information.  i hope we’re making sense…

and, since words have so much power, we a trying to remember to pay attention to phrasing.  instead of saying i *am*alone, we are saying i *feel* alone.

don’t get me wrong.  we aren’t one of those people who says “you’re poor because you think you’re poor…because you say you’re poor”…dismissing the impact of factors such socio-economic, class, racial, gender, age, ability, etc.  we are not that naive.

but, words do have power.  what we think, and believe, and put out into the universe, does effect reality.  we can think of lots of reasons this might be the case.  but we don’t really feel like deconstructing it to find out why it works…that doesn’t matter to us.  at least not at this point of time.

 

today’s animal medicine:  Crow (24)  Law  and Dolphin (40) Manna

“Crow…

Are you “cawing”,

So I may know,

The secrets of balance,

Within my soul?”

“human law is not the same as sacred law”

“crow is an omen of change”

“speak in a powerful voice when addressing issues that for you seem out of harmony, out of balance, out of whack, or unjust”

“you must put aside your fear of being a voice in the wilderness and “caw” the shots as you see them.”

“as you learn to allow your personal integrity to be your guide, your sense of being alone will vanish”

“in seeing what is true, you may need to weed out past beliefs or ideas to bring yourself into the present moment”

“Dolphin is the keeper of the sacred breath of life, and teaches us how to release emotions through breath”

“you are put on notice to be mindful of your body rhythms and the pattern of energy being fed to you”

“pay close attention to your health and your feelings”

 

i know we’re supposed to go to the art thing at full life today…i know we’ve missed it for a while now…sigh.  but we are struggling with it today.  we couldn’t get up until 9.  we just couldn’t.  and then there is the time it takes for our morning rituals.  and we feel like we really need to make sure we are doing those.  and, to top it all off, we are feeling overwhelmed at the idea of going out.  so overwhelmed that we don’t know if we can make it out the door.  i am trying not to overreact to that, as we usually do.  it’s that we have been busy every days for quite a while now.  we are craving some time home.  plus, we need to do the chorus retreat work  that we have been procrastinating.  so i am not sure what is going to happen…but if it follows history, we probably won’t make it out the door.

we just had an insight into how we are feeling at these times of overwhelmed and not able to leave…we feel raw and exposed, like every important sensitive bit of us is showing for everyone to see.  and for everyone to hurt.  it is no wonder that at these times we want to stay home…we feel protected here.  only those we invite in can see those parts of us.  at home we don’t have to be afraid of some hurt these most tender parts of us.  the earlier the time, the harder it is for us to go out…because we have less time to gather and protect and feel safe and ready to venture out.

thank you, mouse. thank you for you continued lessons of scrutiny.  it *is* good medicine to look closely.  i think we shall keep mouse around for today as well.

we are feeling sad.  we are feeling loss.  and we are feeling lost…set adrift.  perhaps that is part of the tender, raw experience.  our heart is aching…and i have a feeling that right this moment nothing but time is going to help.

 

“If you’re sitting in pitch black darkness, all you can really do is sit tight and wait for your eyes to adjust.”

- Criminal Minds  (TV show)

• We are tired of not feeling good. It seems to take so long to recover. #
• Might have an infection where they extracted our tooth #
• Dentist appt wednesday at 1. Very scared. #
• Waiting at the dentist again. Very scared. #
• Definitely an infection. More antibiotics. #
• At the theatre for "ham for the holidays" #
• programming is continuing. working on mixture of accepting the input (not fighting it) & reminding of reality (truth) #
• Fighting sleep yet again #

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nothing is coming to me.  that is a weird sensation…usually i’m hearing lots of things from inside.

i do know that people where really scared last night, because we were suddenly experiencing really bad dental pain again.  but it seems to have been transitory, much to our relief.  we still have several days of antibiotics left.

we had trouble getting to sleep again.  more of that excruciating restless leg thing.  we slept in very late, and had trouble waking up.  it felt like someone/something kept pulling us back under.  we had pretty intense, vivid dreams, but they have faded now.  they didn’t *seem* to be connected to our issues, at least not in any obvious way.

we miss our therapist.  we hate when she goes away.  we know that she needs the time away…we want her to have that.  it’s just hard.  it seems so much harder for us to stay connected to her…or, at least to feel that connection.  it’s so much harder to know that she’s not mad at us.  to fight that programming that says she is mad at us and doesn’t want us anymore.

happy rainy sunday.

 

“Don’t look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving.”

-Ray Bradbury

we missed our anxiety med yesterday.  it certainly made everything harder.  and we had that restless leg type experience really badly last night.  any time we don’t have our seroquel we seem to experience it.  it is so bad, when we do experience it, that we want to shoot ourselves.  and we don’t say that lightly.

except for the icky infection taste, and the ensuing nausea, the antibiotics are helping.  it’s really nice, after three weeks, to not be in terrible pain and on pain meds.  we hate how the pain meds make us feel.  we hate not being able to drive.  it’s also really nice to not feel like we have the flu.  yay modern medicine!

we are still fighting the programming we wrote about yesterday.  but we know now some of the triggers.  while we can’t really do anything about the date related triggers, we’ve discovered what some of the other triggers are.  they seem to be object based.  so we now have a strategy for approaching those.  knowing what they are and having a plan has already decreased the power they hold.

 

today’s animal medicine:  Mouse (20) Scrutiny

“Mouse knew from the very beginning that “there is always more to learn”"

“see what is right in front of your eyes and take action accordingly”

“stop chasing your tail or being confused by the maze and start observing the details of your present pathway”

“it is good medicine to see up close”

lots and lots of programs exploding around us yesterday.  program activity had been increasing since just before our birthday, but yesterday was something else altogether.   one of the biggest things is the overwhelming feeling that everyone was mad at us…along with the messages that everyone was indeed mad at us, and that no one wanted us anymore.  except for them.  they wanted us and they love us.  and we were flooded with memories.  only the good memories, mind you.  so all we were seeing and feeling were the good memories…we couldn’t remember any of the bad.  so, basically we were being bombarded with the message that no one here wanted us because they were mad at us, and that *they* were a sanctuary of good.  all we had to do was go back.   even our therapist was mad and didn’t want us anymore.  these things were very hard to fight.

and it continued into our dreams.  we were out with a couple of friends.  one got angry with us and stomped off.  the other ditched us for other friends.  so we were wandering around not sure where to go or what to do.  at first we didn’t know where we were, but it slowly morphed into slc, in the area we grew up.  but it wasn’t a complete transformation…it was slc, but it also wasn’t.  we were very lost, and very scared.  we didn’t have any of our belongings, including our cell phone.  things slowly morphed so that we were in more and more danger.  we became more and more lost.  by this point, things had slowly morphed so that we weren’t even fully clothed.  we were by then near the desert and very lost and very scared.  we finally decided to call a friend collect (she lives in slc).  her roommate wouldn’t wake her for us.  we were being pushed into a situation where we felt like we had no choice but to call *them*.

we had gone into the bathroom, and were hiding, when suddenly the dream changed.  it’s like somehow someone took control of the dream.  because our two friends arrived.  they said that they had been looking everywhere for us.  after seeing them, it suddenly dawned on us that what we were seeing of them from the beginning wasn’t reality.  wasn’t true.  that the way they had acted in the beginning was not true to form…it was almost as if someone had put a spell on us so that we would believe we couldn’t trust them or go to them, because they didn’t care anyway.  not to mention that they were mad at us.  so they gave us all our belongings, including clothes and our cell phone, and they helped us find our way home again.

i don’t know who managed to take control of our dream and change it.  but we are very grateful that they did.  but, although it was frightening, it was so reminiscent of what really happened…it helps us to see the truth and the programming that much clearer.  not to mention helping us defeat the programming by seeing it for what it really is.  (not that this makes it magically better.  it just helps.)

in other news…

we are on antibiotics for our infected extraction site.  but the infection doesn’t give up that easily.  it is fighting like a demon to hang on.  we woke up once again this morning with that nasty infection taste.  grr.

it feels so good to be journalling again.

Buffalo is still with us, teaching us and reminding us of gratitude.  the biggest things we are grateful for this morning are medicine to fight this infection, and inside and outside help to fight the programming and messages that do not have our best interests at heart.

good day to all.

 

lots of contradictions and mixed feelings today.  we believe in the goals of the movement against capitalism (we forget the name of it) that promotes no shopping on black friday.  but, as a poor person…a very very poor person, i have to take advantage of every chance i can get to save money on the things i need.  the same is true of the movement (also against mass capitalism) to use neighborhood stores rather than big chains such as walmart.  the idea is noble, and i support it in theory.  but, in practice, it is not feasible when you live in extreme poverty.  many of us feel bad that we cannot put my money where my mouth is.

and then there is thanksgiving…i am fundamentally against the lies that this day is based on.  i support the idea and movement to make it indigenous americans day instead.  but i do like the idea of a day when you focus on the things that you are thankful for.  the things that are good in your life.  because i believe that no matter the situation, there is something to be grateful for.  don’t get me wrong…i’m not preaching that fucked up attitude of look on the bright side/life is peachy.  because sometimes life really does suck.   and i don’t mean that having something good means that it is ok that the fucked up shit happens.  because it’s just not ok.  wasn’t then, and isn’t now.  but for us, even in our darkest times, there has been at least one thing to be grateful for.  i didn’t necessarily see it then…but i see it now.

we’ve worried about writing how we feel and relate to gratitude.  we are concerned about how people will react.  because i know, as a survivor, that it is a very touchy subject.  like forgiveness, (which i can’t even approach yet), gratitude can be laden with triggers.  i know many of us survivors had our abusers say things like “you have it so good” “you are lucky” “at least you don’t have it as bad as <fill in the blank>” etc, etc, etc.  in our case they would also compare our life with how they had it…meaning we were lucky because our life was so much better.  even if those things were true, which they usually weren’t, didn’t excuse their behavior.  but it left us feeling like we had no right to complain or feel bad, because we had it so much better.  which, in turn, left us angry and bitter and never wanting to hear about luck or gratitude.  when it prescribed to you, it never feels good.

but, the reality is that in this time and place we feel like we do have a lot to be grateful for.  this is coming from us, not from anyone else.  and anytime we hold anything in, hold anything back, it bottles things up inside us.  we can’t hold one thing back and be open about everything else.  so we are taking a risk and sharing about it.

we’re going to do a little exercise to share some of what we are grateful for in this time and space.

A  

apples (especially granny smith).  animals.  animal medicine.  art.  asche (one of our kitties).

B

bananas (green ones).  bathtubs.  bed.  books.  birthdays.  boats.

C

cats.  computers.  clothes.  coloring.  cartoons.  comedy.  cars.  cameras.  crafts.  communication.  cuddling.  cereal.

D

dr. robbie (my wonderful pcp).  dr. webber (my great chiropractor).

E

eggs.  energy.  energy work.

F

friends.  feelings.  food.  freedom.

G

gelly (one of our kitties).  grapes.  growth.  giving.  games. (not the mind fuckery kind).  geology.  gifts.

H

hats.  housing.  help.  humor.  health.  holidays.

I

independence.  ice cream.  intelligence.  internet.

J

journalling.

K

kids.  kathy (our therapist).

L

language.  learning.

M

music.  medicine.  movies.  mountains.

N

nature.

O

oceans.

P

peanuts.  parks.  poetry.  photography.

Q

quilts.

R

rain.  rainbows.  rocks.  robbie (our first kitty who is now deceased).

S

seattle.  sunshine.  support.  stores.  stuffies.  seattle storm.  spirituality.

T

television.  technology.  travel.  tattoos.  toys.

U

underwear.

V

voting.

W

waldo (our well loved teddy bear).  wolves.  warmth.  water (in all its forms).

X

(bonus points if you name something that starts with x that you are grateful for)

Y

yogurt (yoplait light).

Z

(bonus points if you name something that starts with z that you are grateful for)

• Fighting sleep #
• Voices say bad baby #
• "When your only reality is an illusion, illusion becomes reality." Star Trek Voyager #
• Just saw "the way" at the theater. Really liked it. #
• Seeing "Bean, The Musical Fruit". A live musical for kids. #
• We have a dentist appt at nine in the morning and we are so scared #
• On our way to the dentist… #
• Lost track of how many needles in our mouth…they had a really hard time getting us numb #
• Just found out therapist gone on vacation #

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we hate needing pain meds. and we hate taking pain meds.  we are mostly just sleeping.  so we forgot to journal this morning.   we hate not have our mental faculties.  it’s so weird to us that we didn’t even realize that we missed writing.

in the midst of the tired and the pain, we managed to get to therapy today.  which is good, since we missed seeing her for a week and a half.  also good, since this was the last opportunity to see her before she left for hawaii for two weeks.  we were startled to find out at the last second…it’s easier when we have a chance to prepare for it.  but we will be ok somehow.

through all of this…we will be ok somehow.