someone(s) is/are so fighting sleep right now. so we decided that we would write…we’ve been missing that anyway.
we didn’t do much today. was up for a little bit, and then couldn’t stay awake any longer. so we went back to bed. all we got accomplished today was emptying our suitcase and putting the clothes away, as well as a second bag. then we worked on clearing off our exercise bike; didn’t finish it…just worked on it. and that was it. even missed full life group and case management today. trying not to be hard on ourselves. we’ve just felt so tired and in pain.
we so want things to be different…we want our house to be different. but we feel so hopeless about that. how can it possibly ever get better when we can’t even maintain, much less make progress?
we had a good christmas holiday, and were very sad to see it end. we felt very well loved. but we were very disturbed to get a letter from our brother telling us that our parents know where we are now. we feel so betrayed. but at least we know where we stand. we refuse to run again. we refuse to change our name again. and if any of them know what is good for them, they will leave me the fuck alone. i want nothing to do with any of them or with that place. we’ve wasted enough of our life.
any way…we should try and sleep.
posted by indigo at 3:15 am
posted by indigo at 7:00 pm
we really miss writing. for some reason we haven’t been able to write for a while. and every time we try to look into it, we are told to “let it go” and “have faith”. we’ve done our best to do that, even though we’ve been scared that we would be out of the habit of writing and thus not do it anymore. but, here we are. and i’m grateful for that.
so much has been happening, both internally and externally. major memories, flashbacks, relives. upset, insecurity. and, yet, lots of fun. intro to scuba class that was sooooo amazing. if i ever have money, we are so becoming a certified diver. and, we are doing it through Girl Diver. she is a wonderful teacher, and she believes in small classes with individual attention. shopping for toys and clothes for kids and teenagers who otherwise wouldn’t have a very good christmas. it felt really good to do that.
but, when we are home alone we feel so sad and insecure and utterly alone.
and we screwed up our money this month. we didn’t have enough money to pay our therapist. what a shitty month to make someone else stress about money. so somehow we have to come up with extra money next month to pay her. not that we begrudge paying her…it’s just that i don’t know how we are going to come up with extra money, when we already struggle every month.
short entry today…whatever is keeping us from writing is kicking up again.
posted by indigo at 12:54 pm
posted by indigo at 7:00 pm
we not feel good today. we get up and eat breakfast and go back bed. we not wanna do nothin. we not wanna write. we feel real bad bout ourselfs. someone bingin on oreos. makes us feel icky. but they cant stop. we feel we bad we feel gross fat ugly horrible. we got scuba class tonight. we excited but we also scared cause we not know what to expect. and we know it stupid but we scared cause we be out after dark on buses and stuff. we didnt used to be scared of stuffs like that. we hate that we are now. we hate that we scaredy cat bout so much stuff. we hate that we cant do so much stuff. we hate us. we wish we was dead. some of us do. but most of us just wish we didnt feel this way. we wish we felt good and could do stuffs. we feel so overwhelmed. we even havin hard time gettin up and gettin dressed. we just wanna crawl back in bed and go sleep. even though we gots kappy today. we dont know whats wrong with us. we just wish it was all over.
i know we whiny. we not posed to whine. but we posed to tell people stuff. we dont know how to do this right.
posted by indigo at 3:26 pm
we had a very hard time getting out of bed this morning…even though we went to bed earlier than we have been. now that we are out of bed, we are noticing how cold it is in our apartment. i think we will have to turn the heat on soon. that worries us, as we are struggling to pay off our power bill as it is. even though our power bill has doubled since the construction on our apartment, neither the building or the power company will admit to anything being wrong. there is just no way our usage could have doubled for every month since the construction. but we are not sure what to do about it. so we’ve been avoiding turning out heat on.
the bulk of the retreat registration will be done by the end of the week. it is a relief, but also a disappointment. although it is stressful, we really enjoy it.
we are starting to get really excited about GALA coming up this next summer. we had so much fun at GALA Miami in 2008. this time it is going to be a lot more work, as the 2 most indispensable associates won’t be coming. but that is also exciting. we are just sad that the people in charge made it shorter this year, cutting out most, if not all, of the recreational activities. in any case, we are extremely thankful to cassidy for making it possible for us to go this time.
people were pretty anxious again last night. we are hoping that we remember to talk with our therapist about it tomorrow. nights are continuing to be so hard. maybe it’s just the time of year…i don’t know. we are feeling anxious right now too. apparently the cold is part of it. so, i give in. we are turning the heat on.
posted by indigo at 12:17 pm
we fell yesterday in the parking lot of a store. we don’t know why we fell…which is disconcerting. although there are very few physical marks, we did hurt ourselves. we wrenched our low back/hip, as well as our left wrist. doing so set back the healing of both those areas. the other thing that scares us is that when we fell we lost control of our bladder. we hope it’s just because of being fat and things pressing on our bladder. but, we have fallen at this weight before, without such loss. so it just worries us.
we also aren’t feeling well due to sinuses. ugh.
apparently today is bitch and whine day. on the other hand, it does look beautiful out. and we are glad to be alive.
last night we were triggered pretty badly. we don’t know why, and we don’t remember a lot of what we experienced. we do know that we couldn’t sleep and we were full of panic. there was at least one little out who hasn’t been anywhere near the surface in at least 7 years. she was pretty confused. when she learned that “her” kitty had died, she was so sad.
we are very tired and having a hard time staying awake. we are going to rest before we have to leave for chiro.
posted by indigo at 12:18 pm
not much time today…we have to leave in an hour, yet we couldn’t manage to get up any earlier. we were woken half way through the night with nightmares. i don’t remember now what they were.
being in such a rush, it is really hard to get in touch with what is going on beneath the surface in time to write about it. although the kids are telling us that they are still feeling very sad.
yesterday we got lots of practice in being assertive and standing up for our ideas and what we think is best. we were at the retreat meeting, planning the women’s chorus annual retreat. being the registration person, we have noticed problems in certain areas. so we were talking with the retreat lead, and presenting an idea for how to curtail some of those problems next year. we had to fully explain our thoughts and defend why we thought it was the answer to the problems. it was a challenge for us because we were so thoroughly taught that other people always know best. that we shouldn’t open our mouth. that we shouldn’t challenge how things are. and on…and on… but we don’t want to live by “their” rules anymore. we want to do what feels right to us. we want to be a contributing member. and so, as scary as it can be, we did it anyway. yay us.
in a way, this fits in with Bat, and the rebirth she represents. courageously letting go of the old patterns and leaving room for the new. embracing the new.
with that, we need to run.
posted by indigo at 10:13 am
posted by indigo at 7:00 pm
back to sleeping late…it was nice while it lasted. we are trying not to be too disappointed…after all, we are still adjusting our new cpap mask…it was a bit leaking last night. we tightened it up this morning…we hope that will do the trick tonight. we also know that if we weren’t fighting sleep every night lately it would be easier to be more rested. not sure why we’re fighting sleep so much again. it’s frustrating.
yesterday we went downtown to shop for the foster kids. we had twenty dollars. we went into old navy and looked at the clearance racks…lots of good clothes for very little money. it was so much fun…made us happy. we just wish we had more money…we had fun, that is, until we were at the bus stop waiting for the bus…the temperature dropped and it started raining. we got chilled to the bone. even after we got home, it took all evening to get warm. we had planned to go to a friend’s house, but when we were that cold, we just couldn’t face going back out into the cold.
we had bad dreams all night…the only one we remember: someone came into our building and onto our floor and set a fire. we were trapped in our apartment…we could smell the smoke…but they did manage to get it out before it came into our apartment. it was still very frightening. we are a bit afraid of fire…(at the same time fascinated by it)
the fire dream is making me think…fire is about cleansing and clearing out…giving nature a chance to start anew…to be healthier. fire is nature’s way of clearing the chaos and leaving room for new growth and a chance to rebuild. in nature fire is a healthy thing. it needs to be respected, but it is natural and healthy. this goes along with Bat, who we pulled from the cards a couple of days ago: “symbolizes the need for a ritualistic death of some way of life that no longer suits your new growth pattern.” “signals rebirth of some part of yourself”. so, again, the universe is reminding us to take courage and flow with the new life, behavior, patterns that we need to birth. to take courage and let die the things that no longer serve us.
maybe the reason we fear fire is because it is frightening to let go of what we know, even if it sucks, in favor of the unknown. well, that and fire hurts when it burns you. it takes a lot of faith to let go of what we know and understand when we don’t know what we’ll be getting instead. so we fight with all our might…and we end up holding on to hot coals…because change is going to happen whether we like it or not. so we can let the fire change us, or we can hold on to hot coals and be changed anyway. we would rather embrace the natural change…holding on to the pain and fighting it changes us for the worst.
kinda feel like we’re babbling…we hope it doesn’t come across that way.
in any case, we need to get ready. we have a retreat meeting to attend.
posted by indigo at 1:26 pm
