posted by indigo at 7:00 pm
tomorrow we go to chorus retreat. gonna be fun. but we still gotta pack. we bein picked up real early on friday so we gotta pack tonight. but there not gonna be much time cause group is tonight. but no one let us think bout it before now, much less pack.
we also plannin for gala. gotta get plane ticket. that overwhelming.
been lots of new info bout the Warrior System. they been workin real hard. but havin the new info been meaning we can not write. they are worried the info they give will get out. so we no write. that makes us sad, but we understand. but sometimes we wanna write anyway. even if just a little.
we not been able to go out of the house, unless with someone else in their car. that is not good. we keep missin appointments. and we not get our antibiotics as soon as we should. or our xray. we dont know why we cant go out. we talk to kathy bout it today. that and our bad dream. we have this bad dream over and over. it not long or complicated. we are in a room, usually a bathroom, and we can’t get the door to stay closed. wont stay shut. it scares us cause we really need it to be shut. we dont want anyone comin in. but it just wont stay closed. kinda silly that makes us scared. but there you are.
we gotta gets breakfast and get ready.
posted by indigo at 12:49 pm
we not write in while. we been finding out lots new info bout the unknown system. they been real worried bout the wrong people finding out bout stuff so they not been wanting us to write. they lettin me now they just say be careful what we say. no info bout who they are or what they do. what we can say is that there is lots of movement inside. lots and lots. so we not sure what to write bout. but we wanted to try cause we miss writin.
we are glad the snow is passed. it was pretty to watch, but we hated being stuck inside so long. we especially hated running out of some foods.
we not feeling good. either a cold or a sinus fection. good thing we see dr. robbie tomorrow. we are sad cause it the last time we see her for while. she goin on mini sabbatical. we will miss her. we are scared bout seein in fill in. we lost our opportunity to meet her fill in cause we couldnt get there cause of snow. we try to member that dr. robbie wouldnt give us someone who wasnt nice. but we still scared.
this is short entry bout nothin. tryin to be ok with that.
posted by indigo at 11:45 am
posted by indigo at 7:00 pm
posted by indigo at 7:00 pm
we managed to get a full 4 hours sleep before needing to wake up. it was a rough night…nerve hypersensitivity coupled with severe anxiety. when we were able to finally lie down, we had to play music in order to distract ourselves enough to get to sleep. and once we were able to get to sleep, we had very bad nightmares. very sleepy right now. how to stay awake through all our stuff today?
this afternoon we are going with a couple of friends to check out the 24 hour gym within walking distance of us. the possibility of being able to do circuit training and swim is exciting. also maybe trying some classes like zumba. if the gym looks like it might work, we will be getting a 7 day free trial, and if that’s the case, we hope to use it today. we’re hoping that it will help our physical issues…especially our hip and back pain.
once again we need to run. our ride will be here any second.
posted by indigo at 10:14 am
frustrated that we couldn’t get up earlier…we have so much to do today.
so something happened yesterday or the day before (we can’t remember) that has erased all the distance and clarity…leaving us with urges and needs to do something that will essentially be very bad for us. we are trying to resist…but it is seriously messing with our head. we wish they would just leave us alone.
we are quickly running out of time…trying not to stress about it, as we know this will only make things worse. in any case, we have to go for now so that we are able to get ready in time.
posted by indigo at 12:43 pm
stupid stupid inspections today. we hope they dont pick us. with help we got recycle and trash out but that bout it. we tryin to not worry too much.
we are very tired. we got sleep. and we dont remember any bad dreams. we did wake up lots of times. just so tired and sleepy. cant think very good.
nobody sayin nothin to write down. so we gonna go and we write nother time.
posted by indigo at 1:38 pm
posted by indigo at 7:00 pm
really bad dream. we suddenly found ourselves in a foreign country….so scared. nothing looked at all familiar. everything was extremely dirty and very run down. we came upon a gas station…the cheapest gas was 8.67. that number seemed very important…we kept seeing it. we tried to take a picture of that sign, because it was so astonishing. something kept us from taking said picture. it felt like danger was all around us. we wanted to cross a street to get to a strip mall type place that was more populated because we felt like we would be safer there. suddenly major traffic was all around us. we were lucky to make it safely across. people kept trying to scam us into things. suddenly there was a united states post office…weird in a foreign country. in any case, we headed for it, hoping that they could help us. right as we made this decision, people suddenly started crowding, going the opposite direction…pushing us with them. somehow we managed to fight that momentum and make it to the post office. we tried getting their attention, but they didn’t seem to hear us. they kept helping other people and not seeing us. we did manage to eventually get someone’s attention. she told us that they were working on ours, and we needed to be patient and wait. we tried to explain how we got there suddenly and didn’t know where we were…how we needed help. she was insistent that we go wait while they worked on ours; she didn’t seem to hear anything else. so we were still scared and lost. right then our alarm went off, waking us up. don’t know what any of it means, but it seemed/seems important.
again last night someone was fighting sleep. the weird part is that the past couple of nights they have managed to make it so that we didn’t feel the effects of the medicine that usually makes us very sleepy…like we can do nothing but sleep. but we didn’t feel those effects at all. very weird. last night, though, we didn’t try to fight them. didn’t see the point, really. there is obviously a reason that they are fighting so hard to keep us awake.
we weren’t able to leave the house yesterday, even though at least some of us really wanted to. just couldn’t cope with it all. couldn’t do much of anything, really. it’s so hard feeling the contrast of days like friday, when we are fully capable, and excited to be out in the world with days like yesterday when we can’t cope with anything, especially going out. it makes it a lot worse that we don’t understand it. we try to just enjoy the good days, and not worry so much that it isn’t consistent. we try to have hope that more days will be good ones. but it’s hard. those bad days leave us feeling so hopeless and lonely.
tomorrow is the inspection, and we have done nothing to prepare. just haven’t been able to. we try to console ourselves with the fact that they won’t just kick us out…we will have notice to clean it up first. just wish that people would take seriously the fact that we need ongoing help. we are supposed to go talk to the buildings social worker about the copes program, but there seems to be a block…on the two mornings a week that he is here, we totally block that we need to go talk to him. the rest of the time we are painfully aware. part of the problem is that when we talked to him years ago, he was an ass…and he told us that we didn’t qualify for copes. he was a major ass. so, i think people are afraid to talk to him again. and they figure we don’t qualify anyway.
feeling a very strong urge to go back to bed and hide. feeling major upset…not sure where it is coming from. feeling crying. sobbing. they want to be in bed and cuddle waldo. food first, i think.
posted by indigo at 11:45 am
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