good day, bad day…which is today?

really bad dream.    we suddenly found ourselves in a foreign country….so scared.  nothing looked at all familiar.  everything was extremely dirty and very run down.  we came upon a gas station…the cheapest gas was 8.67.  that number seemed very important…we kept seeing it.  we tried to take a picture of that sign, because it was so astonishing.  something kept us from taking said picture.  it felt like danger was all around us.  we wanted to cross a street to get to a strip mall type place that was more populated because we felt like we would be safer there.  suddenly major traffic was all around us.  we were lucky to make it safely across.  people kept trying to scam us into things.  suddenly there was a united states post office…weird in a foreign country.  in any case, we headed for it, hoping that they could help us.  right as we made this decision, people suddenly started crowding, going the opposite direction…pushing us with them.  somehow we managed to fight that momentum and make it to the post office.  we tried getting their attention, but they didn’t seem to hear us.  they kept helping other people and not seeing us.  we did manage to eventually get someone’s attention.  she told us that they were working on ours, and we needed to be patient and wait.  we tried to explain how we got there suddenly and didn’t know where we were…how we needed help.  she was insistent that we go wait while they worked on ours; she didn’t seem to hear anything else.  so we were still scared and lost.  right then our alarm went off, waking us up.  don’t know what any of it means, but it seemed/seems important.

again last night someone was fighting sleep.  the weird part is that the past couple of nights they have managed to make it so that we didn’t feel the effects of the medicine that usually makes us very sleepy…like we can do nothing but sleep.  but we didn’t feel those effects at all.  very weird.  last night, though, we didn’t try to fight them.  didn’t see the point, really.  there is obviously a reason that they are fighting so hard to keep us awake.

we weren’t able to leave the house yesterday, even though at least some of us really wanted to.  just couldn’t cope with it all.  couldn’t do much of anything, really.  it’s so hard feeling the contrast of days like friday, when we are fully capable, and excited to be out in the world with days like yesterday when we can’t cope with anything, especially going out.  it makes it a lot worse that we don’t understand it.  we try to just enjoy the good days, and not worry so much that it isn’t consistent.  we try to have hope that more days will be good ones.  but it’s hard. those bad days leave us feeling so hopeless and lonely.

tomorrow is the inspection, and we have done nothing to prepare.  just haven’t been able to.  we try to console ourselves with the fact that they won’t just kick us out…we will have notice to clean it up first.  just wish that people would take seriously the fact that we need ongoing help.  we are supposed to go talk to the buildings social worker about the copes program, but there seems to be a block…on the two mornings a week that he is here, we totally block that we need to go talk to him.  the rest of the time we are painfully aware.  part of the problem is that when we talked to him years ago, he was an ass…and he told us that we didn’t qualify for copes.  he was a major ass.  so, i think people are afraid to talk to him again.  and they figure we don’t qualify anyway.

feeling a very strong urge to go back to bed and hide.  feeling major upset…not sure where it is coming from.  feeling crying.  sobbing.  they want to be in bed and cuddle waldo.  food first, i think.

back to sleeping late…it was nice while it lasted.  we are trying not to be too disappointed…after all, we are still adjusting our new cpap mask…it was a bit leaking last night.  we tightened it up this morning…we hope that will do the trick tonight.  we also know that if we weren’t fighting sleep every night lately it would be easier to be more rested.  not sure why we’re fighting sleep so much again.  it’s frustrating.

yesterday we went downtown to shop for the foster kids.  we had twenty dollars.  we went into old navy and looked at the clearance racks…lots of good clothes for very little money.  it was so much fun…made us happy.  we just wish we had more money…we had fun, that is, until we were at the bus stop waiting for the bus…the temperature dropped and it started raining.  we got chilled to the bone.  even after we got home, it took all evening to get warm.  we had planned to go to a friend’s house, but when we were that cold, we just couldn’t face going back out into the cold.

we had bad dreams all night…the only one we remember: someone came into our building and onto our floor and set a fire.  we were trapped in our apartment…we could smell the smoke…but they did manage to get it out before it came into our apartment.  it was still very frightening.  we are a bit afraid of fire…(at the same time fascinated by it)

the fire dream is making me think…fire is about cleansing and clearing out…giving nature a chance to start anew…to be healthier.  fire is nature’s way of clearing the chaos and leaving room for new growth and a chance to rebuild.  in nature fire is a healthy thing.  it needs to be respected, but it is natural and healthy.   this goes along with Bat, who we pulled from the cards a couple of days ago: “symbolizes the need for a ritualistic death of some way of life that no longer suits your new growth pattern.”  “signals rebirth of some part of yourself”.  so, again, the universe is reminding us to take courage and flow with the new life, behavior, patterns that we need to birth.  to take courage and let die the things that no longer serve us.

maybe the reason we fear fire is because it is frightening to let go of what we know, even if it sucks, in favor of the unknown.  well, that and fire hurts when it burns you.  it takes a lot of faith to let go of what we know and understand when we don’t know what we’ll be getting instead.  so we fight with all our might…and we end up holding on to hot coals…because change is going to happen whether we like it or not.  so we can let the fire change us, or we can hold on to hot coals and be changed anyway.  we would rather embrace the natural change…holding on to the pain and fighting it changes us for the worst.

kinda feel like we’re babbling…we hope it doesn’t come across that way.

in any case, we need to get ready.  we have a retreat meeting to attend.

roar

nightmare…slc, trying to get away from slc without being caught by *them*.  lethal spider-scorpion things.  a guy that let the spider-scorpion things crawl on me, and possibly bite-sting me, because he was jealous that i was the one things were focused on. speaking of slc…i was in my group at full life, doing the relaxation/imagery, [...]

nightmare & rude awakening

so…last night/this morning we had this nightmare. we were being held captive by our family. they believed that all our therapy work since leaving was the work of a cult (irony, anyone?) and they planned to “deprogram” us. but first they were just keeping us. all sorts of family were there…adults, kids…the house was totally [...]