the testing
so…we’ve said a lot about yesterday. some still think huda was right and that we are paranoid. but the prevailing knowledge is that the day was all about testing us. the major programming that was set off was chock full of directives.
from whatever view you look at it, we failed some of those tests, and we passed others. we remain fairly free and unharmed because (in their view) we failed the biggest of those tests. we didn’t harm the people (outside of us) that they wanted us to harm. we didn’t become enmeshed in a harmful situation again. we didn’t go back.
the list of passing and failing is a lot longer. but we are not sure how much we want to put out there.
knowing these things brings us some small semblance of peace. not that all the difficult feelings are gone. not by a long shot. but we will take everything we can get. and, like the lyrics of the song we just posted, we will find strength in the pain.
lol…en especially likes those lyrics. about not letting us choke around the noose around our neck. about finding strength in the pain. en, for those that don’t know, is a master when it comes to pain. en is able to take an incredible amount of pain. when things are really bad, pain wise, we call on en.
anyway…we must prepare for therapy.
dreams and programs
in Dreams, Memories, programming, written by bigs
lots and lots of programs exploding around us yesterday. program activity had been increasing since just before our birthday, but yesterday was something else altogether. one of the biggest things is the overwhelming feeling that everyone was mad at us…along with the messages that everyone was indeed mad at us, and that no one wanted us anymore. except for them. they wanted us and they love us. and we were flooded with memories. only the good memories, mind you. so all we were seeing and feeling were the good memories…we couldn’t remember any of the bad. so, basically we were being bombarded with the message that no one here wanted us because they were mad at us, and that *they* were a sanctuary of good. all we had to do was go back. even our therapist was mad and didn’t want us anymore. these things were very hard to fight.
and it continued into our dreams. we were out with a couple of friends. one got angry with us and stomped off. the other ditched us for other friends. so we were wandering around not sure where to go or what to do. at first we didn’t know where we were, but it slowly morphed into slc, in the area we grew up. but it wasn’t a complete transformation…it was slc, but it also wasn’t. we were very lost, and very scared. we didn’t have any of our belongings, including our cell phone. things slowly morphed so that we were in more and more danger. we became more and more lost. by this point, things had slowly morphed so that we weren’t even fully clothed. we were by then near the desert and very lost and very scared. we finally decided to call a friend collect (she lives in slc). her roommate wouldn’t wake her for us. we were being pushed into a situation where we felt like we had no choice but to call *them*.
we had gone into the bathroom, and were hiding, when suddenly the dream changed. it’s like somehow someone took control of the dream. because our two friends arrived. they said that they had been looking everywhere for us. after seeing them, it suddenly dawned on us that what we were seeing of them from the beginning wasn’t reality. wasn’t true. that the way they had acted in the beginning was not true to form…it was almost as if someone had put a spell on us so that we would believe we couldn’t trust them or go to them, because they didn’t care anyway. not to mention that they were mad at us. so they gave us all our belongings, including clothes and our cell phone, and they helped us find our way home again.
i don’t know who managed to take control of our dream and change it. but we are very grateful that they did. but, although it was frightening, it was so reminiscent of what really happened…it helps us to see the truth and the programming that much clearer. not to mention helping us defeat the programming by seeing it for what it really is. (not that this makes it magically better. it just helps.)
in other news…
we are on antibiotics for our infected extraction site. but the infection doesn’t give up that easily. it is fighting like a demon to hang on. we woke up once again this morning with that nasty infection taste. grr.
it feels so good to be journalling again.
Buffalo is still with us, teaching us and reminding us of gratitude. the biggest things we are grateful for this morning are medicine to fight this infection, and inside and outside help to fight the programming and messages that do not have our best interests at heart.
good day to all.