the testing
so…we’ve said a lot about yesterday. some still think huda was right and that we are paranoid. but the prevailing knowledge is that the day was all about testing us. the major programming that was set off was chock full of directives.
from whatever view you look at it, we failed some of those tests, and we passed others. we remain fairly free and unharmed because (in their view) we failed the biggest of those tests. we didn’t harm the people (outside of us) that they wanted us to harm. we didn’t become enmeshed in a harmful situation again. we didn’t go back.
the list of passing and failing is a lot longer. but we are not sure how much we want to put out there.
knowing these things brings us some small semblance of peace. not that all the difficult feelings are gone. not by a long shot. but we will take everything we can get. and, like the lyrics of the song we just posted, we will find strength in the pain.
lol…en especially likes those lyrics. about not letting us choke around the noose around our neck. about finding strength in the pain. en, for those that don’t know, is a master when it comes to pain. en is able to take an incredible amount of pain. when things are really bad, pain wise, we call on en.
anyway…we must prepare for therapy.
alien programming
so…we were watching star trek: the next generation last night. the enterprise went to the aid of its sister ship, the yamata (sp?). the yamata had been at a planet in the neutral zone doing some archaeological stuff. they were scanned by a probe from the planet. shortly thereafter, the ship began performing oddly…systems shutting down, explosions, etc. by the time the enterprise got to them, the ship exploded. the enterprise had just enough time to download the yamata’s logs.
by this time the romulans appeared demanding that the enterprise leave the neutral zone. picard decides to complete the mission the other captain had started on, despite the objections of the romulans. while over the planet, both the enterprise and the romulan ship begin having the same problems that had eventually destroyed the yamata. in the romulans case, their ship gets set on auto destruct and they can’t change it.
in the end the discover that the probe had transmitted alien programming into the yamata’s computer and it took over. being incompatible, it destroyed the ship. both the romulans and the enterprise had downloaded the yamata’s files and thus also received the programming. of course, they figured it out and saved both ships.
why am i rambling on about tng? this episode is an almost perfect analogy for how we feel/what’s going on for our system right now.
today in therapy programming was going off right and left…hitting us out of nowhere (seemingly) and making us feel quite insane and out of control. our therapist would just bring us out of one trance, and another program would go off. anything to keep us from connecting with her and getting too close to information.
and we’ve been feeling like that romulan ship…in self-destruct sequence. feeling suicidal and self harm impulses, engaging in risky and self destructive behavior. in some cases encouraging it, in other cases just not able to say no.
and we don’t have the handy crew of the s.s. enterprise to save the day. and the s.s. indigo crew is not feeling so confident these days. maybe a friend of ours is right…maybe we need to dock at a station for an overhaul and de-programming. sigh…i don’t know.
enough corny space jokes and comparisons. we’re tired.
info learned via game play
on thanksgiving we were playing loaded questions with some friends. being all multiple, we play it a bit differently. instead of just one person answering, we have two people per system answer the question. makes it harder for the guesser, and more interesting for everyone in getting to know each other. i know we (indigos) [...]
fearing a state: another exerpt of a life
in Memories, System Info, triggers, written by bigs, written by middles
it’s seems hard for people to grasp why i fear the state of utah. granted, i haven’t given out ALL the information. and, granted, my story is not one you hear every day. but i do want some people to understand. so…without further ado, here is another exerpt of my life. somewhere around january 1997 [...]
from a email
in System Info, triggers, written by bigs, written by middles
the following is from an email we sent to a dear friend…one from the before. we, of course, edited out all the personal parts. but the rest i thought worthy of sharing. we didn’t go into tons of details of the abuse, but hopefully people will get enough of the point. “I’ve had so many [...]
Protected: …one step back
in System Info, written by bigs
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
two steps forward…
many people know that recently the autistics, who live in a cave near the top of the mountains, were finally given clothes. at the same time, the enforcers little butterfly girl out of lock-up. these are big risks, as they are against the rules of the people who created all those people. (we can’t name [...]
mini journals
we are really liking this twitter thing. it lets us check in with people without the pressure of writing a whole journal entry. and we get to keep up with our friends too! (if you want to follow us on twitter, our handle is “wolfdyke”) we do miss writing in our journal, though. maybe, just [...]