fearing a state: another exerpt of a life

it’s seems hard for people to grasp why i fear the state of utah. granted, i haven’t given out ALL the information. and, granted, my story is not one you hear every day. but i do want some people to understand.

so…without further ado, here is another exerpt of my life.

somewhere around january 1997 (we’re really bad with time…the woman i talk about here would remember more precisely.) i was living in housing indirectly connected with the utah state mental health system. it was independent living, but we all had to contribute to keeping the building clean and operational. it was a “secure” building, in that the outside doors locked and you had to be buzzed in. i was not in contact with my family, having requested time away…every time i talked with them i became extremely suicidal.

at this time, although i knew about being multiple we did not enjoy the cooperation and co-consciousness that we now do. so i did not understand much of what was happening. including the fact that my parents were, in fact, not respecting our request.

also around january 2007, we met a woman we were to be with for 6 years. although in the beginning the time was spent with the bigs (and some older teens), it wasn’t long before the kids showed up. she was good with them.

one day, the main child at the time, lizbeth, told this partner that on such and such a night, at midnight, “the bad people” were coming to get us. she warned that they would try to get in the apartment door (how would they get past the outside doors?) and they would try the windows. she also warned that someone would be triggered out whose whole job was to make sure that they succeeded in getting us. our partner went with us to our next therapy appointment, where lizbeth told the same story.

i didn’t believe it. our partner didn’t really believe it. but just to be on the safe side, she spent the night. she put a chair under the door and made sure all the entry points were locked.

sure enough, just as lizbeth said, they showed up. they tried the door. (how DID they get past the outside doors?) they tried the windows. they tried for a long time. and, sure enough, someone was out who, though naked, tried like hell to get out to the “bad people”.

from that point on, our partner stayed at our house or we stayed at hers. then we found an apartment together and moved in. we thought we were safe. we were already on disability, so we were usually home while our partner worked.

the days passed, as they do. soon someone, probably lizbeth again, told that they were accessing us when our partner was gone. we also got weird phone calls and pages.

our partner was (actually, she still is) very intimidating. we both believed that she could keep us safe. the problem was, she couldn’t be with us 24/7. nor should she have to. we do need time alone. but they thrived on the times when they could find us alone. and on triggering us through the phone and pager.

then one day, during the summer, (again, not so good at times and dates) we got a phone call from our therapist. (a wonderful woman, who shall remain nameless for her own protection) see, we were on our father’s insurance. his insurance covered children until they are 24 or married. we were 21 and unmarried. my father had called my therapist, saying that his insurance had changed, and I needed that information. she asked him if he would be willing to work through her. he agreed, and she called me. on those terms, i agreed to work it out.

so she called him back, ready to work this out. only now he was demanding to talk to me, saying that he would only work it out directly with me. he stated that “the insurance has changed. if you don’t talk to me, you will no longer be protected.” she called me back to relay that message.

we immediately went into panic mode…i didn’t understand it at the time, but the others insisted that if we didn’t leave utah we would be killed. they were so united and strong that i trusted it, even if i didn’t understand. within the week we were out of utah. our partner stayed a few more weeks to finish up at her job and pack all our stuff. we met up weeks later. eventually we ended up here in seattle.

they are still convinced that if we go into utah we are risking our lives. and they are convinced that no one can protect us. our partner is pretty strong and protective, and she wasn’t able to. again, someone cannot be with us every second.

i don’t know if our father was warning us, or trying to trigger us into coming back. either one is possible.

this is all the gatekeepers are allowing us to say right now…we will hopefully be able to tell more at another time.