waking refreshed

this morning, for the first time in a while, we woke up on our own around 8:20.  we’ve been so tired lately we were lucky to wake when the alarm went off at 9:30.  but today we woke on our own with more energy than we’ve felt in some time.  then, before breakfast, we did dishes for the first time in some weeks.  we feel good.

of course, our first thought was wondering what changed.  are we finally feeling better from the tooth issue?  did getting replacement parts for our cpap really help that much?  (our old ones leaked.)  did our therapist being back really help that much?  or perhaps it was a combination of all of these factors.  we feel desperate to know the answer, because we want the ability to recreate it.  but, unfortunately, life is rarely that easy.  i think we just need to enjoy it.

i think another difference is that ever since therapy yesterday, we’ve been experiencing the forward presence of more than just a few from the wolf system.  the kids are more present.  the alphas are more present.  the demons are more present.  and probably some more besides that.  we always feel stronger when more people are participating in life, vs hiding in the background.  proof that we need all of us to function more fully.  and, we need to be able to feel *all* of our feelings if we wish to function more fully.

speaking of feelings…yesterday’s therapy and our share in group were in large part about feelings.  the anger of the alphas and demons.  the fear and grief of the kids.  and the passion of many across the board.  the kids have been feelings such pain and grief…as have the outcasts.  the systems across the board are feeling extremely blocked when it comes to expressing our pain…if we start to cry, everything quickly becomes shut down.  so we are only able to stay with the full intensity of for a few moments.  it feels like we will never get through it at this rate.  but the little bit we were able to process felt good to get out.

yesterday the kids told us and our therapist that they feel like there is no place for their grief and pain, and there is no place for them.  we’ve been very busy, and in all those things we have to do, it has to appear to be bigs.  and in interactions with people in our life, it feels like it needs to be bigs.  they feel like no one wants them.  that makes us very sad, but we aren’t really sure what to do about it.

while we plan to keep working on courage, confrontation (the positive meaning of the word), and “movement compatible with our greatest desires and goals”, we feel it is also time to move on.  so…

today’s animal medicine:  Bat (42) Rebirth

“symbolizes the need for a ritualistic death of some way of life that no longer suits your new growth pattern.”

“can mean a time of letting go of old habits”

“signals rebirth of some part of yourself”

“if you resist, it can be a long, drawn out, or painful death”

“the universe is always asking you to grow and become your future”

“use your mind, courage, and strength to ensure an easy labor and quick delivery into your new state of understanding and growth”

“surrender to the new life you have created from thought and desire, and bravely greet that dawn”