“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”

~~ Mahatma Gandhi

it is very frustrating for them.

Memory. voice: “that’s the best time (when they’re dry and not at all turned on and not at all ready) for creating as much pain as possible as well as maximum damage.”  the voice was instructing people.

we must have a deep, deep life.

it doesn’t help that we are already breaking taboos…we are an obviously female bodied person (huge breasts) who also has a beard.  our genderqueerness is challenging to people.  (including to ourselves at times)

we are trying to fight all the societal bullshit, but it’s not always easy.  our internal fatphobia and childhood trauma in this area is compounded by the stares and comments of people out there.

but we really like sleeveless shirts.  not only are they cooler in hot weather, but we like the look and feel.  and wearing sleeveless lets us show off the awesome tattoo we have on our left upper arm.

at the store today there was a sleeveless hooded shirt in two awesome colors that someone inside REALLY wanted.  we gave in and let them get them.  (the shirts were pretty cheap)

so tomorrow is the annual chorus picnic and barbecue.  the someone who wanted the shirts really wants to wear one.  it’s supposed to be hot still…

i think we will probably go ahead and wear one, but i have a feeling we will feel awkward and uncomfortable at times.

other than that, we are really looking forward to seeing our chorus family, eating good food, and enjoying the awesome view.

we haven’t gotten any feedback/comments on our last entry.  we are trying to be mature and not take it personally.  to not think that people really do think we’re an asshole for thinking that way.

wow…that last sentence had way to much thinking in it.

maybe it is our core belief that when things suck ass they won’t ever ever get any better.  because our thinking is centered very much “in the moment”.  whatever is happening right this second is all there will ever be.  we have little faith that there will be a future, let alone one that is better than the present.

this thinking/belief has changed somewhat, but it is still very much intact.  it is something that we still battle.

stupid abusers.

in this book, the author describes how this character had obsessed over death, particularly suicide, for years.  i feel like that describes us well.  i remember being like that from a very early age…as early as i remember.  we still think about it, hear people wanting it, picture it, pretty much every day.  i’m not talking about the serious-i-have-a-plan suicidal thinking.  i’m talking about the more subtle thinking.

this isn’t the only time we’ve seen a fictional character and thought they should commit suicide.  it happens all the time…in books, movies, tv, etc. when a characters life is really fucked up, we think that way.

when things seems really hard, or when emotions are really intense, that is where our mind goes.   maybe this makes us a coward…i don’t know.  and maybe it makes us mean to think like that about other people.

i welcome feedback and comments on this issue.

kinda feeling blocked on saying anymore.

it makes us giddy and happy happy.

we feel like crying.  but we ain’t been able to cry forever.  i wish we could.  that would help.

the night is sad and scary and lonely