indigos journal

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-05-13

indigo — Mon, 14 May 2012 02:00:00 +0000

As usual….tired and yet lonely and wanting people. #
Happy hour pretzels at deluxe #
Fighting sleep and full of self-hatred. Something triggered, but not sure what. #
Babies taked a shower!! All by ourselfs! #
One of the cats peed on the floor again. I can't handle this. #
and we stepped in it before we realized, cause we were just waking up. #
Beautiful day out. Nice scootering weather. #
so i just saw (online) this book called "how to beat a bully". what i *saw* was "how to eat a bully" #
Migraine…made us miss vet appt…and 2 friends mad at us. #
Really hard having screwed up today and having people mad at us. As well as the leftovers from therapy. #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-05-06

indigo — Mon, 07 May 2012 02:00:00 +0000

Many in the indigos systems do not want to sleep and are fighting it pretty hard. But sleepiness might prevail. #
Internet is out. What a bitch. Can only do so much on this phone. #
Modem died. So it has been a day and a half without internet. Got new modem so hopefully will be fixed tonight. #
Internet is back. . #
So tired. And kind of a headache. But want to be with people. #
Fightin sleep hard tonight. #

occupy this

indigo — Fri, 04 May 2012 20:12:05 +0000

if you are at all like me, and i know many who are, you can’t participate in the occupy movement due to disability. we support the goals of the movement, and it hurts that we can’t be the activist that we once were. that we ache to be. we so want to stand up and be counted. to be involved. to make our voice be heard. it hurts so much that we can rarely even write about such topics, because that drives the pain home even more.

well, here is something many of us *can* do. there is a cd compilation coming out to help support the occupy movement. 99 tracks. 99 artists. all for $9.99. here is the link: http://musicforoccupy.org/

i was sad to see that some of my favorite artists did not participate. i hope it was a logistics problems. i hope they support the movement.

michael moore, the infamous filmmaker, recorded a track. it’s actually pretty good.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-29

indigo — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 02:00:00 +0000

Just had a really long, out-there *extreme* kinky dream. some people we know & some we don't. ones we know surprise us. #
Not sure what to do with selves. Feel is impotent. #
Strange urge to go get on a greyhound to ? I don't know where. But to run away. #
And we want to shave our head. #
Do you ever feel when you self harm that it isn't real or doesn't count unless someone else sees it? #
We love the feeling of riding our scooter in the warm. Sometimes we forget that. #
Tried going to a little bit of art group. Got the time wrong. Waste of a trip, except the ride felt good. Now what? #
A woman walking by just said "hi handsome" #
The night brings bitter despair and the need to inflict more harm. And sadness. #
No words, so no journal entry. Just despair and impotence. #
Deb gived us easter presents tonight! (Not see her fore now). Easter bunny *not* forget us after all! #
My internet chooses now, of all inconvenient times, to go down. Thanks comcast. #
Haven't slept all night. Haven't been able to. #
Five whole hours of sleep. And the cats are head-butting us, trying to get us out of bed. #
3rd day in a row spent time out riding scooter. Even enjoyed riding in the rain just now. #
enjoyed being back at full life art group, but wow i am overheated and exhausted. and kind of shaky. #
Sad and lost. #
Period. Owie cramps. #
Lonely #
back and abdomen hurt so bad..this is why we hate having a period. #
Still lonely. Still in pain. And now the die messages have really kicked it up a notch. #

the testing

indigo — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 21:00:18 +0000

so…we’ve said a lot about yesterday. some still think huda was right and that we are paranoid. but the prevailing knowledge is that the day was all about testing us. the major programming that was set off was chock full of directives.

from whatever view you look at it, we failed some of those tests, and we passed others. we remain fairly free and unharmed because (in their view) we failed the biggest of those tests. we didn’t harm the people (outside of us) that they wanted us to harm. we didn’t become enmeshed in a harmful situation again. we didn’t go back.

the list of passing and failing is a lot longer. but we are not sure how much we want to put out there.

knowing these things brings us some small semblance of peace. not that all the difficult feelings are gone. not by a long shot. but we will take everything we can get. and, like the lyrics of the song we just posted, we will find strength in the pain.

lol…en especially likes those lyrics. about not letting us choke around the noose around our neck. about finding strength in the pain. en, for those that don’t know, is a master when it comes to pain. en is able to take an incredible amount of pain. when things are really bad, pain wise, we call on en.

anyway…we must prepare for therapy.

post big day

indigo — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 20:46:39 +0000

Mumford & Sons

The Cave

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s land

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

over?

indigo — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 07:50:36 +0000

so 4-25 is officially over. nothing happened. there is relief, but there is also confusion and sadness.

because either we made it all up, or we weren’t good enough.

option a: we made it all up. we read more into the dreams than there was. we believed in “programming” that seemed to be getting worse and worse leading up to something.

option b: we weren’t good enough. we didn’t follow the directions good enough. we didn’t hurt ourselves in the right way and severity. we just wasn’t good enough.

not surprisingly, the people inside who believe in option a are completely different from the ones that believe in option b. and then there are some of us who are just confused and don’t know what to believe. we feel so badly for worrying people and making a big deal about a date that seems to mean nothing.

on the other hand, the feelings we described in our earlier entry from just a while ago are still very much present.

4-25

indigo — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 00:14:22 +0000

we still don’t know exactly what 4-25 is supposed to bring, or how it is supposed to be important. what we we know:

we went to full life for the first time in a long time, including art group. it felt good. we took some photos, which always feels really good. we stopped at the store to get medicine and a few groceries. we also felt good to have gotten out by ourselves and driven our scooter for 3 days in a row.

but…now we are home. we feel so full of sadness. like this is the end of everything. like it is too late for us. we don’t know why we feel these things…and despair…and as if we have no more choices available to us. party’s over.

there is a sadness for so much left undone and unsaid.

we are scared.

lonely

indigo — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 19:46:21 +0000

so lonely…and yet we struggle to leave the house or connect with anyone. sometimes people reach out, and we are unable to respond. so maybe our only way to connect right now when lonely is to write here and on twitter. worth a try, anyway.

last night we posted this on twitter: ”Do you ever feel when you self harm that it isn’t real or doesn’t count unless someone else sees it?” no one answered, of course. but we are interested in people’s feedback on that one. and it being the case, how do i have someone see it without seeming like we are bragging? we are definitely not bragging…but the incredibly drive to harm ourselves sometimes won’t be abated unless someone else does see it and thus make it real and make it count. i hope that makes sense.

mostly we feel shame about self harming. but during the times of programming driving it, there are some small ones wanting to show, because they want to please the ones ordering the self harm. like wanting to please daddy and/or mommy even when they are the one hurting you.

this is a crappy representation, it does not do it justice. but someone *has* to see it. it has to be real. it has to count.

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2012-04-22

indigo — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 02:00:00 +0000

We need a new life. This one isn't working so well. #
I don't trust us around people right now. #
I feel like a melodramatic fool #
Anyone want to run away with us? #
It's only life, after all #
The grabbing hands grab all they can #
Ima kill me a cat. Now which one was it? #
Just had a dream that I woke up, looked at clock (3:04am) to hear song with lyrics "I wish the day would never come…" #
Having a very hard time not contacting ex. But maybe she not want us anyway? Damn programming. #
Sometimes…it's the broken heart that decides #
Jimmy johns may have yummy food, but it's loud as fuck. Seriously jj's turn the music down. #
I am tired of this world. I want to get my questions answered so that my job can be done and I can go home. #
And I try, omg do I try… #
Life is surreal at the moment. Not sure what is up or down or truth or lies. #