so we’ve been thinking about things.  and we realize that some of our behavior in december.  even though at the time we couldn’t do anything about it, we took the high road. we’ve apologized to these people several times.  the first time, none of them could hear it through their hurt and anger.  so the next time we sent an email to all but the one who doesn’t have email. her we had to call.  the call seemed to go well, even though it was really hard.

the people we sent the emails to…all but one have expressed silence so far. the one is still angry because we had a ticket to the men’s concert and we couldn’t go. and we couldn’t let anyone know that. now, i understand that this can be frustrating. i’ve lived through it from that point of view and know that it can be frustrating.  but he is angry about it and says we were “rude”.

now…we’ve been working with these people for 5 years. and our crew of associates, we’ve been open with them about being disabled. and about the nature of that disability. including the specifics…like how sometimes we can’t leave the house…sometimes we can’t use the phone…etc.

grrr…

but we’re given little latitude for our disabilities. we get anger and silence.  so much for miss c’s theory that having multiple and disabled friends is bringing us down…we need to get some normal friends.  and yes, that was a quote.

we’ll take freaks (meant in a good way…hey, we’re a loud and proud freak) over normies any day of the week.  sometimes my limitations, that i’m working on, but often have no control over, hurt my freak friends. but they talk to me about it. they understand, even though they were hurt, that it wasn’t purposeful or about them. my freak friends forgive me and stand by me. i don’t have to beg for forgiveness over and over.

so…what to do. what to do. we’re considering giving it up after our responsibilities this quarter.  we love our chorus family. but is there really going to be a place for us there?

and if we do leave, where/what do we do instead?  we like having something to spend some of our time on…to try and change this f-ed up world. to give back the good that has been given to us.

where is our place?

and will we always have a fight to make that place for ourselves?

ok…so they say there’s no such thing as “normal”.   so how bout we rename it Abled-Ville.  which is connected to White-Ville.  and Middle-Class-Ville.  and Male-Ville.  and Straight-Ville. you get the picture.  we could go on and on, but we’ll leave it at that.  out of these, the one privilege  we have is being white.  (at least visibly…we’re part Cherokee, put mostly no one sees that.)

my point in starting all of this is that sometimes i’d like to visit the other side for a while.

i’m frustrated because i’m sitting here at home instead of at chorus where i want and need to be.  there are several intertwining reasons for this, all relating to disability and class.

1. we don’t have our scooter (for transportation) because we lent it to a friend who has consistently refused to give it back.  and because of our ptsd and trauma issues, we’ve been afraid to confront her, demand it back or, as a last resort, go to the police.
2. because we’re on disability and therefore poor, we don’t have the needed bus money to take the bus.  not to mention the time factor of having to take two buses, the emotional tole of being around so many people. (see back to the ptsd and trauma issues)
3. again, being on disability and therefore poor, we don’t have the money for a cab.  and even if we did, those damn ptsd and trauma issues make it nearly, if not, impossible for us to use the phone. especially calling a stranger. and then there’s the cab ride, all alone, with a stranger (usually male)
4. said phone issues make it really hard to reach out for help.  we did finally work up the courage to call one person (couldn’t/wouldn’t help) and text another (didn’t reply).  by then, kids are freaking out.  so we have to take the time to call the system down.
5. even though it is technically possible to walk there (we did it before when our physical health was much better), due to our current physical disabilities and issues it would be excruciatingly painful. if not impossible.  (and the cold makes it worse)
6. since it is all but impossible to get there tonight, we manage to get up the courage to call one of the people we need to and text the other, telling them we won’t be there.  and instead of support, we get anger and silence.

i wish people understood how hard “simple” things can be, and how overwhelming, to someone who is disabled.  i wish i didn’t have to deal with my own self-hatred and judgment for not being able to do things that “everyone” can do.

we were reading Leslie Feinberg’s  “Transgender Warriors” the past couple of nights.  and one of the things that he makes really clear is that all oppressed communities need to come together to fight oppression.  i completely agree.  not until we all face our prejudices and join together can we win our fight.

but right now we are feeling anything but triumphant.

we really opened up in group this last time, even crying some.  the response was wonderful.  that has helped.  we’ve also been isolating less…which always helps. we also finally dealt with the insurance crap from the car accident in december.  it’s been too overwhelming, so we just haven’t dealt with it til now.  but the guy was really nice and helpful.

chorus is starting up this coming tuesday, and we are really looking forward to that.  we had our first chorus retreat committee meeting…that was fun. we left it infused with fun, creative energy.  always a plus!  we have lots of works to do…we’re the registration and housing lead.  i don’t regret the work, though…it’s fun to me…but it is work.

and we finally started looking for an urn for Robbie’s ashes.  (tips and links on this are welcome!)  it’s hard…we miss her so much…but it feels good too…like we’re facing it now instead of avoiding it.  we also figured out that it hasn’t been as long since she died as we thought.  so much has happened in that time it just felt like longer.  she died towards the end of november.  we feel her absence everywhere here in our apartment.

anyhoo…heading out with a friend in a few, so i will end for now.

late into the night

for i do not sleep

have never slept

at night

for someone needs to guard

and what kind of guard would i be

if i slept?

yes-

in the dark of the night

death whispers to me

first seductively

and when i resist

she gets more forceful

pulling out her bag of tricks.

indeed…

i said she.

for, like the creature that spawned me,

she deals in

seduction

guilt

shame

hopelessness

despair

and, ultimately,

betrayal.

but still,

every night,

while i am wide awake

she calls to me

trying to lasso me in.

luckily the night is not too long.

by jason

which leaves so much to say. so much that it becomes all muddled in our head…and so hard to get out in the open. but we do miss writing…so we’ll try this again. we often compose entries when we are trying to fall asleep…but by that point we don’t want to get up and actually write them. oh, for a laptop. but, hell, we’d first settle for a good desktop.

anyway….

several bigs things happening of late:

• the wall separating all the pre-seattle people came down. not sure what land they are in…but they are an ever present part of the system again.
• the wall keeping protectors Tee and Tye from actually coming out and protecting have come down. so they’ve been out more.  again, i don’t know what land they live in…
• 4 new protectors have been able to come out.  they are ones created by the group of abusers we can’t seem to name…but now that the wall keeping them back came down, they defected and have vowed to protect the system.  one is a regular visitor on the outside; we feel the others around and often hear their comments.
• we’ve been getting in touch with several people from our past.  this does not include our parents, and i doubt it ever will.  they will never change…and we don’t need that poison. but we’ve been delighted to become reacquainted with the folks we’ve reconnected with.  we are careful, if not paranoid, about who we do connect with.
• sasha, our native healer, has been much more active (both inside and out)…and is now training two others who seem to have healing skills as well.
• we, with assurances from two outside of ourself to protect us, got brave enough to go to slc.  it is the first time we were back since we escaped in 1997.  it was a good visit. we even got to go to our brother’s grave. in doing so we learned of many deaths in our family.  sigh…hard to not be able to connect with one’s family.

not that all is rosy.  we still have our challenges…we miss our kitty Robbie horribly.  sometimes we could swear we see her…other times we could swear we hear her.  all i know is we miss her so much.

and the enforcers haven’t given up.  the biggest program they keep trying to punish us for breaking is when we appear to have angered and/or upset someone.  when that happens they repeat all the nasty names we’ve been called and try to punish us.  ugh…it’s frustrating, because we are disappointing lots of folks right now…we don’t seem to be functioning worth crap, which means we aren’t able to respond or be with friends who would like that.

not sure what else right now…that’s been a pretty big brain dump.

we dont want to
we try not to
we try
oh we try

but always

make them mad
make them sad
make them disappointed

in the end
that is all that is left

mad
sad
disappointed

Q: Why don’t some people get along w/ you?

A: (Tee and Tye…twin protectors) Cause they suck.
.
.
.
Q: Name your 2 greatest heroes.

A: (Jason, 16 y/old protector of a different sort)

I don’t believe in heroes

because heroes involve pedestals

and pedestals involve falling.
.
.
.
Q: Name your favorite movie quote.

A: (En…also a protector of some sort, takes pain, this is first the fronts of hearing of him)

“Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain?
It lets you know you’re not dead yet!”

A: (Sasha…older than most, if not everyone…healer, training to be shaman…)

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself”
.
.
.
Q: Name your greatest phobia.

A:  (unknown desert kid) being alone forever

A: (unknown kid) being trapped in a small dark place
.
.
.
Q: What is your goal for the year?

A: (front indigos) increase communication in the system, especially with other lands

A: (Tee & Tye) enforce boundaries–keep us safe

…My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on
Nothings right
I’m torn

I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late
I’m already torn…

…And now, I don’t care
I have no luck
I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things
That I can’t touch
I’m torn

I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late
I’m already torn…

…My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on
Nothing’s right
I’m torn

the entirety

of my first 21 years

even just portions

have blown people away

and apart.

so i carry my burden

alone.

unconnected.

and they talk

not caring if i hear.

for am i really human?

do i have feelings that matter?