indigos journal

secrets i hold

so big…so many

i cannot find words

that begin to let you in

even if i were allowed.

i ache for that connection

but how can i

when that connection

would give away it all

should you choose to listen?

started new drug and feel dizzy and heart racing and don’t know if it’s normal and want to die

10:28 PM on Sept 28, 2009

we discovered later that we actually forgot to take our meds yesterday…which was the real problem.  still having really strong die messages, though.

2:33 PM on Sept 29, 2009

i hate these mood swings.  or whatever they are.  i hate that we can be feeling really good in the afternoon…talking with a friend online…laughing…

and now, just after midnight…we are hurting and wanting to die.

i know all the answers.  i know we’re multiple. i know we have depression…and anxiety…and ptsd…and pcos…and fibro…and…and…and

but none of that makes us feel any better, right here, right now, sitting in this chair.

so it feels like i don’t have any answers at all.

(so…jason is a 16 year old insider. his job has always been to take to horribly overwhelming feelings of despair, desperation and suicidal longings. he’s done an amazing job of this. but, as he told a previous therapist, this means that he has two states of being: asleep and suicidal. we’re working on helping him not have to carry this stuff alone. he’s working on communicating instead of carrying on alone.  he’s also, apparently, our poet in residence.)
.

.

words

words

words

dropping

here and there

like rainfall

God…the guilt tripping makes us feel like shit and so non-functional.  Ugh.

so we’ve been working on our bucket list…one of the things we put on there is we want to see beauty in every day…even the sucky ones. so in that spirit…

• our kitty robbie.  she is beautiful.  especially when we can get out of the fear of her illnesses long enough to see her for who she is.
• the vet.  she is so helpful, thoughtful and understanding.  and willing to take the time to answer all questions and help us in any way she can.  we love that clinic.  (companion animal hospital in bellevue, washington)
• the people in the group i co-facilitate.  there is such amazing growth and courage in that group.  it’s inspiring.

(so…jason is a 16 year old insider. his job has always been to take to horribly overwhelming feelings of despair, desperation and suicidal longings. he’s done an amazing job of this. but, as he told a previous therapist, this means that he has two states of being: asleep and suicidal. we’re working on helping him not have to carry this stuff alone. he’s working on communicating instead of carrying on alone.  he’s also, apparently, our poet in residence.)
.
.
i feel like virginia woolf/in the hours/the water calling to me/whispering softly/seducing/i ache to walk/into the ocean/and just keep walking.

(so…jason is a 16 year old insider. his job has always been to take to horribly overwhelming feelings of despair, desperation and suicidal longings. he’s done an amazing job of this. but, as he told a previous therapist, this means that he has two states of being: asleep and suicidal. we’re working on helping him not have to carry this stuff alone. he’s working on communicating instead of carrying on alone.  he’s also, apparently, our poet in residence.)
.
.
the night started so very panic-stricken/and we took the drugs for that/it worked/we are calm/and now i see/no point/in anything.