we are very worried about money…we are nearly broke already, and we are barely into the month. how are we going to get through the month? and we didn’t even pay our therapist as much as we were supposed to. that makes us feel really bad…she already is seeing us for next to nothing. it’s hard to think of anything else right now after seeing our balance.
after a really good night’s sleep on thursday night, people resumed fighting sleep. but somehow they were sneakier this time…they managed to keep us occupied/distracted enough that i didn’t notice the passing time. when i finally did notice, it was two thirty in the morning. even after we went to bed, they fought sleep. i wish we knew how to reassure them.
there is an inspection on monday. these damn inspections are the worst part of living in housing. we are trying very hard not to freak out about it. there is no way we can be ready in time. the hud inspections, such as this one, give you only a few days notice, unlike the sha inspections. that makes it even worse.
a feeling of sadness pervades. i know that at least some of it is continued sadness over the loss and betrayal of someone who meant a lot to us. and the loss of the idea, the image, of that person in our mind. an image that started way back in junior and senior high. at least now we see what others have been trying to tell us. but it leaves a hole, an empty space, similar to the loss and disillusionment of our parents. a necessary step, but a heartbreaking one.
we don’t really have much else to say right now…at least i don’t think so. nothing seems to be coming to us.
the corvid family of birds is staying with us. we continue to be drawn to them…and images of birds. sasha assures us that is a sign.
the demons want us to express for them that not everyone is sad. they are extremely angry, and they are not afraid to protect us no matter what.
posted by indigo at 1:45 pm
very bad dreams again. the last one, just before and as we were waking up, was someone coming to get “revenge” on us and at least one of our friends. bat-shit crazy revenge.
the good news is that between the extra seroquel and changing how we use our cpap, we got better sleep (besides the nightmares) and we had an easier time getting up. yay! i’m sure that a really good therapy and group had something to do with that as well. it feels like we are coming out of a fog. so glad about that. trying really hard to enjoy the moment and not get caught up in worrying about whether it is going to last.
kids get to talk too :) we was so happy to get to see kappy yesterday. not that it was just easy. we talked bout hard stuffs. and we pushed and pushed and pushed the demons to come out and talk to kappy. we didnt want them to give up on havin peoples to talk to. we think it helped them. and then group helped everyone too. the demons talked in group. and others too. we even cried at how hurt we are bout the betrayal of that person telling our mom and dad where we are. we dont cry very often anymore so it felt good to cry and let stuffs out.
for xmas we got a new book, “Animal Speak: The Spiritual & Magical Powers of Creatures Great & Small”, by Ted Andrews. it compliments our Animal Medicine Cards (and book) wonderfully. so, from now on when we do our animal medicine, we will be including info from both sources.
crow has been staying with us constantly of late. whenever an animal is so consistently with us, it means they are trying to teach, guide and remind us of something. crow (and raven and spider) is the main spirit animal of Sasha, the shaman/wise woman of the Wolf system. according to Animal Speak, crows, ravens and magpies are all in the same family of bird. the biggest distinction among them is size. these corvid family of birds speak of magic…shapeshifting…change in consciousness and reality…creation…intelligence…curiosity.
“you must put aside your fear of being a voice in the wilderness and “caw” the shots as you see them”
“speak in a powerful voice when addressing issues that for you seem out of harmony, out of balance, out of whack, or unjust” (this so reminds us of the demons anger and rage)
“as you learn to allow your personal integrity to be your guide, your sense of being alone will vanish. your personal will can then emerge so that you will stand in your truth”
posted by indigo at 1:18 pm
we had very very bad dream. it end with someone chasing us and cutting us with a razor blade. no matter what we did we could not win. no matter what people upset and mad at us.
we were very happy to get to sleep last night cause we felt like we was goin crazy. really paranoid thoughts that we know was programming. but when it happenin it just feel crazy. when it happenin it hard to remember and know that it programming meant to make us feel crazy. we just felt so crazy crazy. it was so hard to get to sleep. but we was so glad we did. we was so glad to escape the crazy.
the crazy was all about how we was crazy and made up everything about the now in our head. we was really in slc still with our parents and it was in the 90′s still. and we made up everything. and it was so convincing. we was so confused. they wanted us to just give in and stop holding on to the now. to stop holding on to everything and everyone in the now. they said it was the only way to stop the crazy. they said we had to let go of the “fantasy”. even now we can still feel all these things. just not as bad as last night. it scares us so bad.
we glad we get to see kappy today. least we hope so. we hope she better. we send her a text and ask her but we not hear back yet. hopefully that a good sign. like she in session or something.
we hate feelin rushed in the morning but we couldnt get up earlier. we tried. we are happy we were able to get up at 10. we are happy we are going out of the house today. we not been out since new years eve. we not seen anyone since new years day. we not blamin anyone but us. cause we know people been reachin out. we just not been able to go out or respond really. but we glad we are today.
and we are glad our case manager bein so nice and compassionate bout it. she said not to beat ourselves up. that make us feel good. cause we not have to worry bout her bein mad. but the case worker who work with our building (ken) not work with our building anymore. that make us sad. we really like ken. it is a new lady named laura. our case manager says she nice. we hope so. we kinda scared to meet her. we shouldnt be cause all the people we met at full life is real nice. so she probably is too.
we gotta go now. have a good day.
posted by indigo at 12:02 pm
we it have to be rainy on day we HAVE go out? we dont wanna ride scooter in the rain. we dont wanna get cold and wet. it rainin pretty hard. we dont wanna go out. if we had car would be different. if we had car we would not get so cold. there big big fight inside bout whether we gonna go or not. but we really need to. we dont know what to do.
we taked extra seroquel again last night. it help us get to sleep earlier. we set alarm for 10 this morning which was 12 hours sleep. we couldnt get up. but at least we only sleeped half hour extra. we dont know why we been needin so much sleep lately. we not remember our dreams from last night so we dont know if we had bad dreams still.
we are so cold already. people fightin so hard to not go out. they fightin so hard to go back to bed. we tryin to figure out way for us to get there that not our scooter. a way that warmer. we gotta concentrate on that now.
posted by indigo at 12:07 pm
we tried taking extra seroquel last night. it did help…we got to bed 2-3 hours earlier than we have been. however, we still slept half way through the day. we couldn’t seem to wake up. we are overwhelmed and frustrated with this…not sure what to do. we need to be able to get up earlier tomorrow, because we have appointments with our psych nurse and our case manager. we can’t miss our appointments again.
we continue to have slc dreams…and in those dreams we try to remember our life and apartment here in seattle, and we can’t. we can’t picture our apartment here. when we are in these dreams, we feel like we are drowning. we feel so hopeless. it feels like someone or something is driving us to suicide. it was working, as we wrote yesterday. but now that we realize it, we won’t allow it. there is plenty of fight left in us. knowing what’s going on gives you a way to handle it.
we miss kappy. feel like forever since we see her. we hope she come back this week. we not want to miss her again. two days away! please be better. please be better. no more sick.
alphas and demons been real frustrated and mad lately and they feel like there no one they can talk to. they feel like when they try it not go good. they have big fight with one friend when they try to talk bout why they frustrated. they hate feeling like there no one who listen and understand. we dont blame them. we wish we could help. but we just kids and there not anything we can do.
we not been able to leave house for days. we sad bout it. we hate not seeing people. we not know how to fix it.
we hungry. we gets breakfast.
posted by indigo at 2:40 pm
no resolutions, but we do have the goal of getting back to writing every day. so here we go. and to up our water intake. we feel better when we are doing both of those things.
we are having trouble getting to sleep at night…people fighting sleep. and so we end up getting up very late and missing the things we are supposed to be doing. we are thinking of adding a little extra seroquel at night to see if that helps. not that we are trying to ignore the reasons people are fighting sleep…we want to know and understand. but we also need to get back on a decent sleep schedule. we are hoping we can have both…to understand and to sleep.
we missed therapy last week because our therapist was sick. we really missed it. therapy every week gives us an anchor of stability that helps us through the week. hopefully she will be back this week.
we are trying very hard not to hate the person who betrayed us by telling our parents where we are. we know that beneath the anger is hurt. we trusted this person. i think some people had been holding out hope that some day we could be in touch with them again. we know now that will never happen. and that makes those people very sad.
last night, while we were up very late, someone inside said they wanted to die. our first response was to say “no, you don’t.” it was difficult to make space for them to feel that way. we are scared that letting them feel that way will make us all feel that way. we are scared of feeling that way…we were so close to dying before we went to the hospital. but we know that denying their feelings is denying them…and shoving them further away. we don’t want to do that. we want to bring them closer, even though that scares the hell out of us. we are trying to have faith that it will be ok. we want to believe that it will be ok. so we are acting as if.
we had slc dreams last night. the content is fading already…but not that it took place in slc. we hate those dreams…they leave us so scared and frustrated.
we hope to start back doing animal medicine very soon. today it is enough that we wrote again.
posted by indigo at 2:59 pm
posted by indigo at 7:00 pm
someone(s) is/are so fighting sleep right now. so we decided that we would write…we’ve been missing that anyway.
we didn’t do much today. was up for a little bit, and then couldn’t stay awake any longer. so we went back to bed. all we got accomplished today was emptying our suitcase and putting the clothes away, as well as a second bag. then we worked on clearing off our exercise bike; didn’t finish it…just worked on it. and that was it. even missed full life group and case management today. trying not to be hard on ourselves. we’ve just felt so tired and in pain.
we so want things to be different…we want our house to be different. but we feel so hopeless about that. how can it possibly ever get better when we can’t even maintain, much less make progress?
we had a good christmas holiday, and were very sad to see it end. we felt very well loved. but we were very disturbed to get a letter from our brother telling us that our parents know where we are now. we feel so betrayed. but at least we know where we stand. we refuse to run again. we refuse to change our name again. and if any of them know what is good for them, they will leave me the fuck alone. i want nothing to do with any of them or with that place. we’ve wasted enough of our life.
any way…we should try and sleep.
posted by indigo at 3:15 am
posted by indigo at 7:00 pm
we really miss writing. for some reason we haven’t been able to write for a while. and every time we try to look into it, we are told to “let it go” and “have faith”. we’ve done our best to do that, even though we’ve been scared that we would be out of the habit of writing and thus not do it anymore. but, here we are. and i’m grateful for that.
so much has been happening, both internally and externally. major memories, flashbacks, relives. upset, insecurity. and, yet, lots of fun. intro to scuba class that was sooooo amazing. if i ever have money, we are so becoming a certified diver. and, we are doing it through Girl Diver. she is a wonderful teacher, and she believes in small classes with individual attention. shopping for toys and clothes for kids and teenagers who otherwise wouldn’t have a very good christmas. it felt really good to do that.
but, when we are home alone we feel so sad and insecure and utterly alone.
and we screwed up our money this month. we didn’t have enough money to pay our therapist. what a shitty month to make someone else stress about money. so somehow we have to come up with extra money next month to pay her. not that we begrudge paying her…it’s just that i don’t know how we are going to come up with extra money, when we already struggle every month.
short entry today…whatever is keeping us from writing is kicking up again.
posted by indigo at 12:54 pm
