indigos journal

we haven’t written a real journal entry in oh so long.  often we lie in bed thinking of things we want to say, but are unable to get up and write them.  i think we are able to try and write right now because we are at ej’s…somehow that makes it less threatening.  so maybe that is the key…writing from other people’s houses or when someone is at our house.  or maybe the key is to leave the wordpress open in a tab all the time…i don’t know.  just stuff to try.  what i do know is that we miss writing.

we’ve been reading a lot more blogs lately.  political stuff, trans stuff, disability stuff…they are inspiring, thought-provoking, angry-making.  not angry at the blog writers; angry at this culture that still supports/allows/approves of fat-bashing, homophobia, transphobia, racism, classism, ageism, ableism, etc. etc. etc.  it is good to be thinking of these things again; to be more aware and responsible.

we want to be like that.  a good writer who inspires and moves and provokes emotions in people.  something to work on.

speaking of ideas and working on things…and jaga and sean’s after-birthday party last night, several of us talked about creating a genderqueer chorus.  i think that would be so awesome.  i would love for it to get to the point where we could join GALA and go to the conventions and perform.  we’ve created the first step…scheduling a day to rehearse and discuss/plan.  it’s kind of an exciting!  the two main goals are music fun and genderqueer visibility.  yay!

there are lots of emotional/therapy stuff going on, but i don’t feel we can write about it at this moment.  hopefully we can soon.

stole this one from Uncommon Misconceptions as well.

Each answer can only be one word.
1. Where is your cell phone? Bed
2. Your significant other? Nonexistent
3. Your hair? Short
4. Your mother? Inconsequential
5. Your father?  Inconsequential

6. Your favorite thing? Kitty

7. Your dream last night? Unremembered
8. Your favorite drink? Pibb
9. Your dream/goal? Undetermined
10. The room you’re in? Apartment
11. Your friends? Amazing

12. Your fear? Violation
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Progressed
14. Where were you last night? Home
15. What you’re not? Singular
16. Muffins? Cupcakes
17. One of your wish list items? Tattoos
18. Where you grew up? Utah
19. The last thing you did? Read
20. What are you wishing? Relief
21. Your TV? Off
22. Your pets? Unpredictable
23. Your computer? Uncooperative
24. Your life? Unpredictable

25. Your mood? Anxious
26. Missing someone? Always
27. Your car? Scooter
28. Something you’re not wearing? Clothes

29. Favorite store? Rocks
30. Your summer? Fun
31. Loves? Music
32. Your favorite word? Hyperbole
33. Last time you laughed? Forget

34. Last time you cried? Forget

we are so sad.  i don’t know why.

we do know that the hidden children (aka the autistics) were having relives of electric shock stuff with the green men.

we also know that we really want a mommy.  and it’s really sad cause we’re never gonna have one.

we also know that this is the longest we’ve ever gone  without being in a relationship.  and sometimes we feel so fat and ugly and unlovable that we won’t ever have a relationship or even playmates again.

we also know that we are scared scared scared about miami but also excited.  it will be the first time we’ve left the pacific northwest since we came here and found safety.  and it may be stupid, but we’re afraid that if we leave, even for a little while, that we will lose all of the safety and support and people.  and it may be stupid, but we’re afraid that if we leave this pocket of safety, that the bad people will know and will get us.

that is what we know right now.

except that it is time to go get ready for swimming.  yay swimming!

“stolen” from Uncommon Misconceptions, a friend’s blog.

Feel free to steal and do it too if ya want:

1. What time do you get up in the mornings?

morning? what’s that? we normally get up between 10am and noon.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
we are so not glitzy like that. we do love rocks though…

3. What was the last movie you saw at the theater?

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

4. What are your favorite TV shows?
House, CSI, Law & Order SVU, Without a Trace, Frasier, Star Trek TNG, Star Trek Voyager, Heroes, Jeremiah, Weeds, Farscape, Dead Like Me, we could go on forever….

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
nothing. or special k with strawberries. (that’s a new thing)

6. What is your middle name?
we do not have one.

7. What food do you dislike?
too long of a list to go into…we are very picky eaters. we love garlic beef from this local thai place, though.

8. What is your favorite singer/music group?
Indigo Girls, Brandi Carlile, Dar Williams, Cris Williamson, Peter Paul & Mary, Weird Al…again could go on. but the first three are our favorite.

9. What kind of car do you drive?
my Yamaha Riva Razz Scooter, my friend’s Toyota Prius, seattle metro transit, my feet

10. Favorite sandwich?
turkey and swiss

11. What characteristics do you despise?
passive-aggressiveness, refusal to look at one’s own stuff

12. Favorite item of clothing?
meh. it’s all the same.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world, on vacation, where would you go?

Australia

14. Favorite brand of clothing?
mostly don’t care, as long as it’s cheap. i do like king size direct, though.

15. Where would you retire to?
too far away to think of. probably right here…we love seattle.

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
the kids’ birthday on june 13th.

17. Favorite sport to watch?
WNBA…Seattle Storm

18. Do you have piercings? Where?
unfortunately not…our body rejects them…

19. Can you play an instrument?
not really. unless you count my voice as an instrument.

20. When is your birthday?
body’s birthday is in november. kids’ birthday is in june.

21. Are you a morning person or a night person?
night

22. What is your shoe size?
nine/ten

23. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with us?
goin to miami, baby!

24. What did you want to be when you were little?
Dead. or a therapist. if i happened to survive.

25. What is your favorite candy?
meh…trying to stay away from that shit.

26. What is your favorite flower?
a purple flower we don’t know the name of

27. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
july 11th–miami departure

28. What is your full name?
totally not sayin that in the interwebs

29. What are you listening to right now?
some crap on late night tv…haven’t turned it off yet.

30. What was the last thing you ate?
spicy chili

31. Do you wish on stars?
occasionally

32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
we already are a crayon…indigo

33. How is the weather right now?
hot as fucking hell.

34. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
cassidy.

35. Favorite soft drink?
mr. pibb.

36. Favorite restaurant?
old country buffet.

37. Hair color?
Dark brown/white streaks.

38 What was your favorite toy as a child?
don’t remember.

40. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate in every way possible.

41. Coffee or Tea?
neither.

42. Do you have any pets?
kitty.

43. The last time you cried?
a couple of days ago.

44. What is under your bed?
nothing.

45. What did you do last night?
watched tv and slept

46. What are you afraid of?
people being mad at us. the bad people coming back and getting us.

47. Salty or Sweet?
Sweet.

48. How many keys on your key ring?
About five or six.

49. How many years at your current job?
disabled.

50. Favorite day of the week?
wednesdays!

51. How many towns have you lived in?
depends on your definition of “town” and your definition of “lived in”.

52. How tall are you?
5′6″.

53. How much do you weigh?
317 at last weighing. trying to lose. will get weighed at doctor tomorrow.

54. Do you have a tattoo? If, so, where?
yes–a pink triangle with a rainbow ribbon on our left shoulder. we want a bunch more. just need the money for them.

55. Are you afraid of the dark?
yes. have to have a light on to sleep

the past many days we have been sick with some kind of virus. so we’ve had to stay home resting and sleeping. it’s a catch-22 situation, really. we need to stay home to get better. but anytime we stay home, especially longer than one day, we spiral downwards.

we know this…but the knowledge doesn’t help us fight the thoughts and feelings that come up when it happens.

and, of course, it couldn’t happen at a better time. it being summer solstice and all.

so i guess we just need to get this out there…we are having a hard time and feel so very alone.

i have, perhaps, noticed a pattern.  the despairing ones and “wanna die” ones are louder when i allow us to overload a day and get too tired.

it may seem like a “well, duh!” too people, but i am just connecting it.

we were totally feeling that way tonight after getting home from this day: swimming, dog sitting, grocery store, food place, chorus.  too, too much!  when am i going to learn that?

luckily talking on the phone with myriads seemed to helped a little bit.  we are still so tired and exhausted and overwhelmed and upset that we don’t know how we can possibly prepare for therapy tomorrow.

argh.

at least tomorrow we only have therapy and dog sitting.  that is, if we can keep from adding more to it.

so, we met this new multiple online and we’ve been reading their blog.  good stuff.

http://uncommonmisconceptions.blogspot.com/

there are other flashes, but we are too tired to write them.  they are specific sex acts and they flash by really really fast.

we feel like we are really bad.

some of our flickr contacts have been posting a lot of pictures of utah.  it has been bringing up a lot.

oh–fyi–the first bit is a memory w/ the green men.  the second is about different johns we were rented to.  the third is, obviously, with our mother.  the last is practically every situation we were in.

bleah.  we feel bad.

little anxious panic scared overwhelmed hallucination memory spinning knife cut bad cunt “stay still” hurt spinning fast

cant say no more

as you all know, we work with the Seattle Women’s Chorus. this weekend is their spring concert, and we have been helping out every night. in addition to our duties there, we helped Cris Williamson (the guest artist) and her partner/manager sell cd’s.

it was during this second job that i saw a face we haven’t seen in nearly a year. this face was the face of our old therapist who left abruptly last year to go on hiatus. it looked liked she tried to catch my eye…we got up and went around the table and gave her a hug. it seemed as though all was well.

then came selling cd’s after the show as Cris Williamson was autographing cd’s, dvd’s, posters, programs, etc. our old therapist was up at the table, this time doing everything she could to avoid eye contact. she was snippy to myself and several other people. (so i know the snippiness is not personal)

the difference between the two times was so dramatic. and it really underlines the fact that people inside still do not trust her and maybe never will. she is still too unpredictable and almost volatile.

it is really sad though. it felt really good at the beginning to see her and get a hug. her behavior later really upset people inside. or, if we are really honest, it upset most of us. it feels silly, but it’s almost like we feel betrayed. and we feel really insecure.

in any case, we are still processing.

she did, however, ask us to say hi to everyone. so hi.