from the ones of old
secrets i hold
so big…so many
i cannot find words
that begin to let you in
even if i were allowed.
i ache for that connection
but how can i
when that connection
would give away it all
should you choose to listen?
secrets i hold
so big…so many
i cannot find words
that begin to let you in
even if i were allowed.
i ache for that connection
but how can i
when that connection
would give away it all
should you choose to listen?
started new drug and feel dizzy and heart racing and don’t know if it’s normal and want to die
10:28 PM on Sept 28, 2009
we discovered later that we actually forgot to take our meds yesterday…which was the real problem. still having really strong die messages, though.
2:33 PM on Sept 29, 2009
i hate these mood swings. or whatever they are. i hate that we can be feeling really good in the afternoon…talking with a friend online…laughing…
and now, just after midnight…we are hurting and wanting to die.
i know all the answers. i know we’re multiple. i know we have depression…and anxiety…and ptsd…and pcos…and fibro…and…and…and
but none of that makes us feel any better, right here, right now, sitting in this chair.
so it feels like i don’t have any answers at all.
(so…jason is a 16 year old insider. his job has always been to take to horribly overwhelming feelings of despair, desperation and suicidal longings. he’s done an amazing job of this. but, as he told a previous therapist, this means that he has two states of being: asleep and suicidal. we’re working on helping him not have to carry this stuff alone. he’s working on communicating instead of carrying on alone. he’s also, apparently, our poet in residence.)
.
.
words
words
words
dropping
here and there
like rainfall
God…the guilt tripping makes us feel like shit and so non-functional. Ugh.
so we’ve been working on our bucket list…one of the things we put on there is we want to see beauty in every day…even the sucky ones. so in that spirit…
(so…jason is a 16 year old insider. his job has always been to take to horribly overwhelming feelings of despair, desperation and suicidal longings. he’s done an amazing job of this. but, as he told a previous therapist, this means that he has two states of being: asleep and suicidal. we’re working on helping him not have to carry this stuff alone. he’s working on communicating instead of carrying on alone. he’s also, apparently, our poet in residence.)
.
.
i feel like virginia woolf/in the hours/the water calling to me/whispering softly/seducing/i ache to walk/into the ocean/and just keep walking.
(so…jason is a 16 year old insider. his job has always been to take to horribly overwhelming feelings of despair, desperation and suicidal longings. he’s done an amazing job of this. but, as he told a previous therapist, this means that he has two states of being: asleep and suicidal. we’re working on helping him not have to carry this stuff alone. he’s working on communicating instead of carrying on alone. he’s also, apparently, our poet in residence.)
.
.
the night started so very panic-stricken/and we took the drugs for that/it worked/we are calm/and now i see/no point/in anything.
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